Used

My feelings are hurt. It's as simple as that. Clear to me that my kids mean nothing around here. They aren't "special" and none of you give a flip about either of them. We can give a lot of lip service about how we don't treat the top players differently, but we all know that is a bunch of shit. I don't really mean anything either - beyond whatever I can do for you that day. I am used and I am overlooked and I am taken advantage of. I allow it to happen because I am more concerned with pleasing people than I am for my own well-being. I don't know what's going on Saturday, but I do know that I wasn't invited. I guess I need to come to terms with what that means and where I stand. I need to stop expecting or hoping to be included because it's clear that I am an afterthought, if I'm thought of at all. Maybe it's time to move on. To really start thinking about what to do next. It's too hurtful here.

It's a mental f*ck fest.

"Hit snooze." "Hit snooze again." "I have to pee" "Now that you're up, you should go." "Just a few more minutes of sleep." "okay...it's no or never. Get your lazy ass out of bed." shoes on, keys and water in hand....in the car, driving to the greenway. "You're going to suck today." "No, really...you're going to suck." "You're tired, you're sore from putting that furniture together, you have a throbbing headache. Yeah, you're going to suck." "Maybe you should just walk it today." "As long as you walk it, then you can count it as exercise." "But, walking is so boring. Running will go faster." car parked, fast walk to the start of greenway. "Okay, run for five minutes, then walk...then, do it again." "Run five minutes, then walk, then go back to the 200 steps for the rest." "How long have I been running? Damn..2.5 minutes. Are you freakin' kidding me? This does suck." "okay, five minutes. i did it. Let's keep going." Ran five minutes, then walking/running the 200 step method for the rest...on final stretch. "I think I'll just walk the rest of the way, I'm beat." "But, if I run, I'll get done faster." "Keep it up." Wow. I did it. "Good girl." "I'm proud of you."

Damn

You know what I hate? I hate when you've been working really hard and you feel like you're on the right track...then, you put on your favorite shorts. you know the ones...they are always comfortable, reliable and available. And they feel tighter than normal. Nothing deflates my sails more quickly. Damn.

A little piece of my heart

I haven't really decided what I'm going to use this for. Maybe it's just a place to dump my thoughts about weight, exercise and anything else on my mind. Today, it's anxiety. As this school year approaches, I find myself getting more and more anxious. My younger son starts high school this year and my older son is a senior. Everything that is happening, I find myself acutely aware that it's the last time. Last first day of school, potentially the last family vacation, etc. My older son is my mini-me. He looks like me, he acts like me, and has always been one of my favorite people on the planet. Of course, none of that will change, but I can't help looking ahead and feeling sadness over the changes that will be coming up. One year from now, we'll be driving him to college and leaving him there. I will miss him so much that it makes me tear up even typing this. I'm so proud of him and I know he'll be great. It's the way it's supposed to be. But, it will tear a little piece of my heart out. So...I'm trying hard to focus on the now and enjoy every minute of this year. It's exciting - the college tours, the applications, the senior portrait...the horrible junior year and standardized testing is behind us and now it's just anticipation. It's all good, but it heightens my anxiety level. Typically, when I'm anxious, I eat and I tend to curl up in a ball and stop exercising. Hell, I stop interacting with the outside world beyond work. I'm hoping this time I can work on changing my reaction to the anxiety...exercise as therapy like all of my healthy friends do. I've been good on exercise - running/walking consistently every other day. I started with 100 steps. Last run, I was up to 180 between my "catch your breath" walks. Tomorrow, I'm shooting for 200. Soon, I won't be able to keep count and I'll have to find another way to track. Not a bad problem to have. I'm signed up for the color run 5k on October 16th and right now, my goal is to be able to run the whole thing. I don't give a hoot how slow I am...I just want to finish it without walking any of it. Fingers crossed.

100 Steps

I stumbled upon this old blog as I was going in to set up a new one. I ended up reading it from start to finish and, by the end, I decided that I would just pick this one back up and start again. It seems fitting...because here we go again. My ongoing and constant battle with myself over health and fitness seems to be a roller coaster ride. I'm back up, weight-wise, to where I was when I first started this and honestly - I broke into tears when I read the old entry about getting under 200 and how "I'm never going to have a "2" in front of my weight ever again". Yeah...notsomuch. There's really just no excuse for it. I was so proud of myself and had worked so hard. I really thought I had overcome my demons. or at least tamed them a little. So...here we go again. I was going to call this blog "100 Steps" because that's the way I'm starting this time. I run 100 steps, then walk until I catch my breath, then run another 100 steps. Repeat. And I repeat over and over until I've gone 3 miles. I figure, that way, I don't get in a rut over my landmarks, as I tend to do ("I'll run until I get to that fence", "I'll run to THAT mailbox...") When I do that, I get stuck in routes. This way, any three mile route can be translated into this technique. Next time I run, 110 steps, still with a 3 mile route. Then 125, then 150 and so on. Eventually, I'll get to the point that I can't count it (it's amazing how hard it is to count your steps while listening to music you like). I'll figure that out when I get to that point. Yesterday was 100 steps. Next run, I'll increase. There's no denying that I'm embarrassed and horrified that I've let my weight creep back. I don't know what's going to click one day to make this work. But, I will keep trying. A significant thing has changed in my life. My youngest son goes off to high school this year. That means, no more carpooling in the morning since his older brother is going to be driving him to school. I don't have to be at work until 9am, so there's absolutely no excuse to NOT exercise in the morning. If I can't give myself one hour a day for myself - for my own health - then I really am pathetic.

New Year, Renewed Efforts

Let's take a look back.
I gave myself the month of December off. Kind of. I stopped tracking. I stopped worrying about food so much. I didn't go crazy, but I didn't stay focused either. I kept exercising as much as I could considering the craziness of the holiday schedule.

In the end, I think I've gained 5-7 pounds. Yuck. However, that's the price I pay for the mental break I had. The positive side was that I was totally conscious of the decisions I was making and totally conscious of the consequences of those decisions. I made the choice to do it and I can't say that I regret it. It's a shame to back pedal a bit, but at the same time, I was burnt out.

So, I enter 2010 with a renewed sense of purpose. WW at work starts up again soon and I'm glad. I'm ready to track, to eat healthy again. I've actually already started with the healthy eating part. And I've been doing the Jillian shred - which is killing me, by the way. But, it's all good. I'll keep it up and hopefully, will be ready to start tracking when WW starts back up.

I don't want to lose site of the fact that I entered 2009 at 227 and I enter 2010 at 197. Can't wait to see what the number is going into 2011.

2009
2010

Snap out of it!!!

I know I've been pretty sketchy in my updates lately, but something about the fact that nobody reads it, keeps me kind of lazy! haha. I write mainly for myself, but sometimes it's lonely to dump things on here and know they are going into some cosmic, virtual black hole. I do need to remind myself, however, that the main benefit is getting it here in writing so I can look back at it later to 1)see how far I've come and 2)do a little self-analysis. Some of the healthiest times in my life have been when I'm journaling and rereading my entries. This is just an online version of the same.

So, it's been around a month and I haven't lost a single pound. I may have even gained a couple. Truth is, I'm doing pretty well if I were trying to maintain my weight - I'm exercising regularly, I'm making reasonably smart food decisions (allowing for a treat or splurge here and there...). But, I'm NOT doing what I need to do to lose weight. I'm not doing a good job of tracking. I've settled back into my post-dinner snacking (late night eating really just needs to go away altogether). I allow myself to partake in some family favorites that I was really disciplined about staying away from at the beginning of this journey.

It is time to snap out of it!
NO MORE EATING AFTER DINNER. You're not hungry. You're bored. You're like a freakin' drug addict at night, just waiting for M to go to bed so you can pour a little bowl of cereal or eat a few starbursts. Nothing huge or that bad in and of itself...it's more about the REASON for eating than the actual eating. You do not need to eat when you're not hungry. Period. Wasted calories.

I ran a few miles last night during C's soccer practices, then went home and undid all of the good work in just a single bowl of late night cereal. That could have been 300 calories towards losing weight.