Up to Date...

Wow. I can't believe it's been this long since I've written. Part of it that there were a few weeks off from WW. WW weigh in days tend to be my reminder to write something. Without the weigh ins, I guess I'm forgetful. Honestly, I haven't officially weighed in since the last time on here. I think my weight has held steady. I don't think I've lost, but I don't think I've gained either. Had a couple of not-so-great food weeks, but have been very active and I think the activity has kept the weight in check.

We went on vacation...super-activity vacation....Carowinds one day, hiking in the mountains the next...17 mile bike ride down the Virginia Creeper trail...rafting on the New River. Finished off with a trip to my in-laws for my FILs 80th birthday! It was a crazy busy, crazy fun week. Lots of calories burned and lots of calories consumed! So, I started fresh on Sunday when we returned. I've been tracking and running every day. Not long distances, but I got a Nike + for my birthday (also last week) and I've been playing with it in the evenings! I LOVE IT!!! Every night, I plan to gradually increase my distance until I've worked back up to 3 miles. Hopefully, it won't take too long to get back. Meanwhile, my calf is doing great. I seem to have mild shin splints right now, but it's manageable and not nearly like the calf strain problem from the past few months!


I guess I've discovered two immensely important things this past week. All of a sudden, it's occurred to me that I feel confident I can continue this weight loss journey without WW. All of a sudden, I just kind of "get it". I know when I'm doing well; I know when I'm not doing so well; I know what to eat; I know when I need to regain control by tracking again; I know that exercise is key; I have a great support system around me. It's like the bulb switched on and I realize I can do this. Forever. For real. Let me stop for a moment and absorb that.

Okay.

The other realization is how much better shape I'm in this year. Last year, we went for a hike in the mountains with my brother and his family. Climbing that mountain just about killed me. I truly lagged behind and I felt like I must have had the Biggest Loser cameras following me. In fact, that's the only way I was able to keep going - I pretended the TBL cameras were on me and I was doing one of their challenges. I stopped to rest a zillion times, was woefully out of breath and miserable. I just wanted to cry. I came home from that trip feeling like such a failure and such a loser that I had let myself get into such a bad condition. I, to this day, believe that was a turning point for me. It took me almost six more months to kick into gear, but that day had a huge impact on me. Fastforward to this year, I may not have run up the mountain, but I stayed the same pace as my kids (last year, they raced ahead of me). M lagged behind ME this time! Although I felt bad for him because I know how that feels, I had a smile on my face the whole time. I managed the climb relatively easily and I fel tremendously proud of how far I've come. I may still have a long way to go, but it was one of those "look back and see where I came from" kind of moments. It was awesome.

Analysis

I read these questions on another blog and I wanted to answer them over here so that I can reflect on them when I need to...

1. What types of food were you most likely to overeat?
I think it was mainly carbs and sugary things. I still have the tendency to eat candy. What's funny is that I was always able to say "no" to things like cookies, cakes and chips. We'd have stuff like that in the house and they'd eventually have to be thrown away because they'd go stale. For me, it's things like sweet tarts, hot tomales, sprees, mike and ikes...any fruity/chewy/sugary candy.

2. What times of day did you overeat most often?
Oh gosh...without hesitation, it is any time of day when I am alone. I tend not to eat too much when I have an audience, but late at night after everyone is in bed...or in the office in the morning before anyone comes in. Those are the "bewitching hours".

3. What feelings were you having most often when you overate?
Guilt. While I'm eating something that I know I shouldn't be, I generally feel guilty. Once I'm done, it's remorse. Why did I do that? or I can't believe I just ate that. Then I feel pretty helpless... why did I just do that? I can't believe I just did that, that was stupid. And then, anger. I get so mad at myself because I have such a lack of self-control.

4. Do you think you have a binge eating disorder?
No. Unless emotional eating is considered an eating disorder

5. What circumstances in your life do you believe contributed to your weight gain?I think there are quite a few reasons. I've always over-committed to other people and have always put everyone else before myself. I am basically a very lazy person, so flopping on the couch was always something preferable to working out. I grew up with a very critical mother, and never really felt good enough. I remember her making comments about my weight when I was a teenager and when I look at pictures from that time in my life - I WAS SKINNY!!! This maybe was a way to self-protect. A few bad breakups at inopportune times in my life really gave a hit to the old self esteem. Fear of failure. Oh, gosh...this list could go on and on forever.

6. Do you 'blame' anyone for your weight?
No. I'm the only one who picks up a fork and places it in my mouth. I'm the only one who chose to watch tv instead of going for a run or walk. There may be all kinds of circumstances, but I'm the one who made the choices.

7. What other behaviors made you overweight?
I think I covered many of them in #5.

8. Were you active or exercising while you gained weight?
Haha. NO! If I had been, I doubt I'd be answering these questions.

9. What made you finally want to change?
That list, by the way, continues to grow. In short...I want to be healthy, I want my knees to not hurt, I want to set a good example for my kids, I want to NOT be the fattest girl in the room, I want to weigh less than my husband, I want to stop being invisible, I want to shop in the regular stores, I want to enjoy shopping again, I want to wow people at my reunion in August, I want to hear somebody tell me that "you haven't changed a bit" instead of getting that silent gaze that I typically get when I haven't seen somebody in a long time, I want to beat my 13 year old in a 5k, I want to have more energy...I could keep typing all day.

Rambling Thoughts

I went out and ran the 5k route again today. It really is a beautiful run and I wish I could get all the way through it. Seems like the hills all hit at the wrong times! So, I still stopped and walked three times, but I shortened the walking and stretched the running. I just wouldn't let myself stop at the same places as last time...even if it was just ten steps further! And then, I started running again earlier than last time...even if it was just ten steps closer! :) Like I've said before, this is a mental game for me. All in all, I'm feeling pretty good about it. I have no idea if I can push myself to the full 5k in three weeks, but I need to figure out how to get okay with myself if I have to walk any of it. Right now, I'd be lying if I didn't admit I would feel a bit of failure if I have to walk. I've been working so hard for so long...I don't want to walk any of it!

Today, my mother commented on how much thinner my face is getting. Seems like a small thing and I could probably write several blog entries about my mom and the emotional baggage (which is probably why it WASN'T a small thing)...it was an important moment for me.

I went back and read through some of my old posts and it made me smile. I've come a long way in a relatively short time. It's good to reflect on it. Many of my initial goals are the same, and I'm a little closer to accomplishing some of them. I have a long way to go, but it was nice to reflect on the progress. A few other things I've noticed:

• I need to buy new jeans, which means I've technically gone down a size, but I don't want to spend the money. Primarily because I don't want to be in this size for long...so, I'm trying to decide if I just walk around in baggy jeans a little longer and then skip two sizes when I go to buy them.
• If I go down two sizes, I'll be back in the "regular store", which btw, was the name of my old blog. I love that name..."The Regular Store"...because it represents what the original driver was for me. Maybe I'll change this to "The Regular Store Redux".
• I need to tell my Camryn Manheim story on here. Coming soon...
• My knees don't hurt nearly as badly as they used to, which I find kind of funny since everyone has told me how bad running is for your knees! I guess not as bad as carrying the extra weight around.
• People telling me they're proud of me is almost as important as hearing compliments about the weight loss...maybe more...I guess this circles back around to what I said about the volumes I could write about my mom and the baggage. See how I did that? See how it's all connected? haha.
• I wonder if I can motivate myself to run the bridge run next year (10K)? That also makes me laugh since I haven't even managed a 5k yet!

I wonder...

So, this week is going to be an interesting one. I did well on the scale last week, so I guess I'm anticipating a less than exciting result this week. Especially when you add in the fact that we went to Melting Pot on Friday and I went out with the girls last night. I did as well as I could at both of those places, but I'd be fooling myself if I said I thought the numbers would be good.

I'm tired today and for the first time, I'm craving really bad food...candy...KFC...ice cream...french fries. I just don't trust myself around that stuff yet, but the cravings are awful. I've tried to distract myself, but I'm not doing so well with that today.

Maybe writing this will help. So, at 10.4 pounds, I haven't lost enough that anyone notices yet. I've noticed in small, subtle ways:
My brown boots are easier to zip up
My rings fit more loosely
My jeans, although I'm far from going down a size, are definitely looser and fit well right out of the dryer. By the end of the day, they're stretched out and feel too big.
I can button up my green jacket again, which hasn't happened for a while.
My knee doesn't hurt nearly as bad as it used to

I need to keep a running list like this so I can remind myself of how far I've come. Even if it doesn't seem that way to others.

I WILL get below 220 this week...

If I don't, I'll be really frustrated. I've been walking or running/walking every night. I've been meticulous about my points. Truth is, I'm kind of having fun with this. I hope my enthusiasm doesn't wane. I've been here before.

I think one of the things driving me, oddly enough, is Facebook. In the last few months I've reestablished friendships with many of my childhood and highschool friends online. It's the first time I've had to deal with..."oh, my god...I don't want to post pictures! My high school boyfriend, who still sees me as I was when I was 17, won't even recognize me!" None of us wants to be THAT GIRL. You know the one...the girl who gained the weight and nobody recognizes her at the reunion. I avoided my 20 year reunion - partly because of that, but also because I just wasn't than interested in reconnecting. Well, I'm at a different point in my life and I'm really enjoying catching up with folks. The inevitable...FB is great, but why don't we get together conversation is bound to happen and I don't want to look like this when it does. I met with two of my childhood friends last week and I was so self-conscious about the way I looked that I couldn't even enjoy my time with them as much as I should. That's just sad to me.

By the time it happens again, I want to be excited about seeing everyone. But more importantly, I don't want to feel bad about them seeing me.

when will I learn?

If I had a dollar for every time I've tried to start something new to get healthy...

I'd like to say this time is different, but truth be told, I don't have tons of confidence in myself. I've failed so many times that I'm not sure what makes me think this time will be different. I guess the easiest way to look at it is to say that I'm tired of being a spectator. I'm tired of being the one who goes to road races to take pictures of friends and family who are running. I'm tired of being "the fat mom". I'm tired of being the invisible one when I'm out with my friends. I'm tired of saying "I hate to shop" when the honest statement is that I hate to shop for me. I want to shop in the regular stores. I'm tired of being winded from just walking up a flight of stairs. I'm tired of being the one who has a hard time on the hike. Most importantly, I'm tired of setting a bad example for my kids. I don't want N to be in the same situation I'm in 30 years from now.

So, here we go again.

Last night. Day 1, Week 1
N ran with me. He was much faster than me, which is probably good because it pushed me (and my ego wouldn't let me quit!). It was freezing cold, but nice out. I'm pretty embarrassed that it was as hard as it was. Boy, am I out of shape. I found several podcasts designed specifically for the program and that definitely helps -not having to clock watch while I go is nice. Especially since it's so dark outside when I go. Eventually, I'd like to run to my own music - way more enjoyable - but, for now, this works.