Snap out of it!!!

I know I've been pretty sketchy in my updates lately, but something about the fact that nobody reads it, keeps me kind of lazy! haha. I write mainly for myself, but sometimes it's lonely to dump things on here and know they are going into some cosmic, virtual black hole. I do need to remind myself, however, that the main benefit is getting it here in writing so I can look back at it later to 1)see how far I've come and 2)do a little self-analysis. Some of the healthiest times in my life have been when I'm journaling and rereading my entries. This is just an online version of the same.

So, it's been around a month and I haven't lost a single pound. I may have even gained a couple. Truth is, I'm doing pretty well if I were trying to maintain my weight - I'm exercising regularly, I'm making reasonably smart food decisions (allowing for a treat or splurge here and there...). But, I'm NOT doing what I need to do to lose weight. I'm not doing a good job of tracking. I've settled back into my post-dinner snacking (late night eating really just needs to go away altogether). I allow myself to partake in some family favorites that I was really disciplined about staying away from at the beginning of this journey.

It is time to snap out of it!
NO MORE EATING AFTER DINNER. You're not hungry. You're bored. You're like a freakin' drug addict at night, just waiting for M to go to bed so you can pour a little bowl of cereal or eat a few starbursts. Nothing huge or that bad in and of itself...it's more about the REASON for eating than the actual eating. You do not need to eat when you're not hungry. Period. Wasted calories.

I ran a few miles last night during C's soccer practices, then went home and undid all of the good work in just a single bowl of late night cereal. That could have been 300 calories towards losing weight.

I needed this today...

okay, not the part about the food, but the part about the running...

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Up to Date...

Wow. I can't believe it's been this long since I've written. Part of it that there were a few weeks off from WW. WW weigh in days tend to be my reminder to write something. Without the weigh ins, I guess I'm forgetful. Honestly, I haven't officially weighed in since the last time on here. I think my weight has held steady. I don't think I've lost, but I don't think I've gained either. Had a couple of not-so-great food weeks, but have been very active and I think the activity has kept the weight in check.

We went on vacation...super-activity vacation....Carowinds one day, hiking in the mountains the next...17 mile bike ride down the Virginia Creeper trail...rafting on the New River. Finished off with a trip to my in-laws for my FILs 80th birthday! It was a crazy busy, crazy fun week. Lots of calories burned and lots of calories consumed! So, I started fresh on Sunday when we returned. I've been tracking and running every day. Not long distances, but I got a Nike + for my birthday (also last week) and I've been playing with it in the evenings! I LOVE IT!!! Every night, I plan to gradually increase my distance until I've worked back up to 3 miles. Hopefully, it won't take too long to get back. Meanwhile, my calf is doing great. I seem to have mild shin splints right now, but it's manageable and not nearly like the calf strain problem from the past few months!


I guess I've discovered two immensely important things this past week. All of a sudden, it's occurred to me that I feel confident I can continue this weight loss journey without WW. All of a sudden, I just kind of "get it". I know when I'm doing well; I know when I'm not doing so well; I know what to eat; I know when I need to regain control by tracking again; I know that exercise is key; I have a great support system around me. It's like the bulb switched on and I realize I can do this. Forever. For real. Let me stop for a moment and absorb that.

Okay.

The other realization is how much better shape I'm in this year. Last year, we went for a hike in the mountains with my brother and his family. Climbing that mountain just about killed me. I truly lagged behind and I felt like I must have had the Biggest Loser cameras following me. In fact, that's the only way I was able to keep going - I pretended the TBL cameras were on me and I was doing one of their challenges. I stopped to rest a zillion times, was woefully out of breath and miserable. I just wanted to cry. I came home from that trip feeling like such a failure and such a loser that I had let myself get into such a bad condition. I, to this day, believe that was a turning point for me. It took me almost six more months to kick into gear, but that day had a huge impact on me. Fastforward to this year, I may not have run up the mountain, but I stayed the same pace as my kids (last year, they raced ahead of me). M lagged behind ME this time! Although I felt bad for him because I know how that feels, I had a smile on my face the whole time. I managed the climb relatively easily and I fel tremendously proud of how far I've come. I may still have a long way to go, but it was one of those "look back and see where I came from" kind of moments. It was awesome.

Lance Honey Buns

Why is it that an office full of women CONSTANTLY has unhealthy food in the break room? I really don't understand it. We talk about health and wellness constantly. We have a wellness coordinator that is incredibly high profile at work (who works in our department). There are at least two of the seven of us on WW. Yet...every time I walk in the break room there is a box of Lance Honey Buns or home made banana bread or muffins. It's like a constant test of my will. I do pretty well at avoiding them, but it's almost like this unspoken sabotage - or at least it feels that way. I always get "Oh, I'm sorry Ellen" as people are taking their turns heating them up in the microwave. It's not my business and people get to make their own choices about what they feed their bodies. The odd thing is I don't even WANT one. I'm not sure why it bothers me so. Here's what I think...I've been stalled at this weight for quite a while - I avoid those nasty empty calories and I feel like I'm doing a reasonably good job focusing on health and nutrition. Yet...the weight isn't coming off. These other ladies are eating that junk and don't seem to have to pay a price for it. I realize I sound like a twelve year old and I also realize the faulty logic in this, but I think it comes down to the fact that it's the good ol' green eyed monster in action. I'm jealous. It's as simple as that.

I've been really thinking about "Operation Beautiful" these past few days. I love the concept and I'm going to participate. I think trying to make every woman aware that beauty is more than what you see in the mirror is an important and valuable mission. However, I don't know how to make that leap myself. I know I judge myself by what I see in the mirror and what I see on the scale. I know I do it, I just don't know how to stop. I'm just hoping by participating in the project that some of it will wear off on me as well! Then, it'd be successful on multiple levels!

I'm frustrated and I'm tired...it's a frightening place to be.

Note to Self...

Snacking on Starburst fruit chews at 11:00pm does NOT help the weight loss efforts. Stop doing that.

Frustration and Injury

I'm in a funk. I've been trying to deny it, but it's in front of me, clear as day. Funkiness. Blahs. Annoyance.

Funkiness #1 - I can't seem to get past this calf injury. I know I need to call the doctor and get it checked out, but I'm sure I'm going to be put on a "running hiatus" when I do. I know it's important to rest it in order to heal, but here's the thing. I've spent my whole life hating exercise. I've tried the gym-rat approach. I've tried bike riding. I've tried swimming. I've tried walking. I've tried yoga. I've just never clicked with any of those things. I've even tried running before. For some reason, this time, running has clicked. I've enjoyed it more than I ever have. The feeling of accomplishment I got when I finished that 5k was enough to keep me coming back for more. It's not that I love it while I'm doing it, but I love the way it makes me feel afterwards - physically and emotionally. I feel proud. I feel energized. I love the way it helps those pounds go down. And now that I've discovered that, I don't want to give it up. It's really depressing. So, last night while running with N, I came to the conclusion that I really do need to call the doctor. It's been going on too long and it's clearly not improving on it's own, despite all of my efforts with ice, ibuprofen, massage, stretching, heat, etc... it's depressing.

Funkiness #2 - I clearly have hit a plateau in WW - I'm been hovering around the same weight for quite a while (or at least it feels that way to me). This week, I've been the model weightwatcher. I've tracked EVERYTHING. I've done some sort of exercise every day. I've eaten all of my points, but haven't gone over even one day. I'm eating all of my veggies and keeping refined sugar to a minimum. I'm drinking a ton of water!!! I know I shouldn't get on the scale during the week (WI is on Tuesdays), but I stepped on this morning before I got in the shower and NOTHING HAS CHANGED. I've scoured my tracker to see what needs to change, but I'm mirroring my foods from a good week and I really don't see what's wrong. ARGH.

Any ideas for snapping out of a rut? I'm all ears....

New Week

My WI this week was not anything to write about. I'm up less than a pound, but it's still UP. I've been tremendously lucky that a gain hasn't happened much since I started this and, when it has, it's been minimal. I want to use it to jumpstart me into focus again. A couple of things...

1. I haven't been doing great with my tracking and that changes starting today. I am committed to tracking everything this week to see if it helps.
2. I am committing to doing at least one active thing every single day this week. That doesn't mean hard core exercise, but I want to run at least three times (if the sore calf allows...can't believe it's still bothering me).
3. I am committing to cut out all after dinner snacking. This isn't a huge one for me...I don't eat much after dinner normally, but those little bites here and there add up.

We'll see how it goes.

Start 227.8
Current 199.6

Total 28.2

Tuesday: Went running
Wednesday: Hand weights, leg lifts
Thursday: Went running

funk and cranky pants

I've looked back through pages of this and it seems like the content I've been putting on here is pretty superficial and light. My old blog covered so many serious and depressing topics, I got sick of hearing myself whine. Reason number one for getting rid of it last year. I didn't want to be that person who spends her time whining to total strangers on the Internet. That blog had a lot of regular readers and comments from folks and I always felt like I was fishing for "atta girls" and compliments every time I wrote anything sad. I may have gone too far the other way this time, to the point that I'm not really saying anything at all. I have been journaling (in the "drafts" of my email at work) about things that are really bothering me until I figure out a way to strike a balance on here. I know that nobody is reading this one...which sometimes makes me a little sad and lonely...and sometimes is freeing...so, technically, I'm writing for myself. I guess that means that writing it on here is really no different than in the drafts of my email. So, maybe I'll figure out a way to branch out.

The problem with that is it diverts me from my original purpose - to have a place to track my weight loss and fitness efforts. NOT to be my own personal self-therapy couch. I realize the mental aspects of all of this are integrally related to the weight issues, so I guess it's all related. I just don't want to spend my time on here whining. I just have a lot on my mind. I've been in a funk and have had my "cranky pants" on. I am feeling nostalgic and lonely. I've not wanted to be around my super-supportive, but sometimes exhausting and irritating husband. My parents moving to town make me feel crowded and judged and obligated and I hate that. My kids demand more of my time and attention that I feel able to give. I long for time alone. I really wish I wasn't trapped in my job. I feel used and taken advantage of and disappointed by many of my friends. Ugh. I feel like if I start writing about any of these, the flood gates will open and I'll get totally off track. Maybe I'll tackle one or two of these, but if I want it to stay focused on running and weight watchers, I need to keep it in check. Next post is going to be my Camryn Manheim story.

Spinning out of control...

Ahhhhh...I just reread my last post and it makes me a little sick. There's no way in hell that I'll see that "1" this week. It's been a bad week, food wise, so far. I know I have until Tuesday's weigh in, but it's hard to see it happening. Tomorrow is a new day and I really need to refocus and get back on track. I haven't been tracking at all the last few days. Add to that my lack of running and it doesn't make for a good combination!

Too much eating out and not enough exercise. Bad.

Why do I sabotage myself like this?

Ugh and Ugh

Ugh #1 - my calf is really killing me today. Good news is that it's raining pretty hard, so it's doubtful I'll convince myself to run through it tonight. I'm really at a loss as to what to do. I've finally gotten myself into an exercise routine and I'm terrified that giving myself too long of a break is going to push me right back into my sloth-like tendencies again. I hate to swim. I've been riding my bike a lot, but I just don't feel like I get the same kind of workout. We rode the 5k route yesterday afternoon, and it just isn't the same. I'm really hopeful that new shoes will do the trick, but I can't get over there until Sunday, so I'm not sure how to trudge through this week.

Ugh #2 - I have been hovering around the magic 200 mark for several weeks now. I don't consciously feel like I'm sabotaging myself, but I can't seem to get that "1" in front of my number. In my head, I know that if I EVER get there, I'll never see a "2" at the front again. I know that now and I'm proud of that. HOWEVER, getting there seems to be a real issue for me. The WW at work program is on hiatus, so I'm on my own while we try to recruit new folks for another 17 week round. Scheduled, tentatively, to start back up on 5/19. I'm determined that on that first official weigh in, the 1 is there. I hope I can do this on my own for the next few weeks. I'm going to weigh myself as normal tomorrow at home, but my scale doesn't have the accuracy that the WW scale has. So, I'll just have to do my best with it.

I'm a nervous wreck. And I'm hungry. Not a good combination!

Surrogate Family

When I started off on this journey to prepare to run a 5k, I had one driver that I kept stating as my main motivation. Anyone who asked me "why?" received the same standard answer..."I have spent more time than I care to admit, waiting at the finish line for family members to finish - camera in hand, cheering loudly, ready to hand over a bottle of water. I want, for once, to be the one being greeted - not doing the greeting."

Well, guess what? I will not have even one family member greeting me at the finish line on May 2nd. NOT ONE!!! I'd be lying if I didn't admit it kind of peeves me, but there's nobody to be mad at. Everyone has a great excuse. Youngest son has soccer games 1 1/2 hours away and my husband needs to take him. Older son has a game 3 1/2 hours away and we're pawning him off on a friend's family for the day. Parents will be on a cruise. Even my friend who was going to run with me has a conflict. So, no family waiting with camera in hand. Seriously, I was upset for a few days. I mean, this is a big deal to me...I've worked hard and I'm proud of myself and I will be EXCESSIVELY proud of myself if I finish it.

So, I've recruited a friend from work who will run with me, but I told her she needs to sprint the last 1/2 mile (she's a great distance runner who is going to take it slow to run with me) so that she can be at the finish line, camera in hand, cheering for me! She's a good friend and she'll happily oblige. For that, I am appreciative. As disappointed as I am that my family won't be there, I will not let it steal my joy from that accomplishment.