Used

My feelings are hurt. It's as simple as that. Clear to me that my kids mean nothing around here. They aren't "special" and none of you give a flip about either of them. We can give a lot of lip service about how we don't treat the top players differently, but we all know that is a bunch of shit. I don't really mean anything either - beyond whatever I can do for you that day. I am used and I am overlooked and I am taken advantage of. I allow it to happen because I am more concerned with pleasing people than I am for my own well-being. I don't know what's going on Saturday, but I do know that I wasn't invited. I guess I need to come to terms with what that means and where I stand. I need to stop expecting or hoping to be included because it's clear that I am an afterthought, if I'm thought of at all. Maybe it's time to move on. To really start thinking about what to do next. It's too hurtful here.

It's a mental f*ck fest.

"Hit snooze." "Hit snooze again." "I have to pee" "Now that you're up, you should go." "Just a few more minutes of sleep." "okay...it's no or never. Get your lazy ass out of bed." shoes on, keys and water in hand....in the car, driving to the greenway. "You're going to suck today." "No, really...you're going to suck." "You're tired, you're sore from putting that furniture together, you have a throbbing headache. Yeah, you're going to suck." "Maybe you should just walk it today." "As long as you walk it, then you can count it as exercise." "But, walking is so boring. Running will go faster." car parked, fast walk to the start of greenway. "Okay, run for five minutes, then walk...then, do it again." "Run five minutes, then walk, then go back to the 200 steps for the rest." "How long have I been running? Damn..2.5 minutes. Are you freakin' kidding me? This does suck." "okay, five minutes. i did it. Let's keep going." Ran five minutes, then walking/running the 200 step method for the rest...on final stretch. "I think I'll just walk the rest of the way, I'm beat." "But, if I run, I'll get done faster." "Keep it up." Wow. I did it. "Good girl." "I'm proud of you."

Damn

You know what I hate? I hate when you've been working really hard and you feel like you're on the right track...then, you put on your favorite shorts. you know the ones...they are always comfortable, reliable and available. And they feel tighter than normal. Nothing deflates my sails more quickly. Damn.

A little piece of my heart

I haven't really decided what I'm going to use this for. Maybe it's just a place to dump my thoughts about weight, exercise and anything else on my mind. Today, it's anxiety. As this school year approaches, I find myself getting more and more anxious. My younger son starts high school this year and my older son is a senior. Everything that is happening, I find myself acutely aware that it's the last time. Last first day of school, potentially the last family vacation, etc. My older son is my mini-me. He looks like me, he acts like me, and has always been one of my favorite people on the planet. Of course, none of that will change, but I can't help looking ahead and feeling sadness over the changes that will be coming up. One year from now, we'll be driving him to college and leaving him there. I will miss him so much that it makes me tear up even typing this. I'm so proud of him and I know he'll be great. It's the way it's supposed to be. But, it will tear a little piece of my heart out. So...I'm trying hard to focus on the now and enjoy every minute of this year. It's exciting - the college tours, the applications, the senior portrait...the horrible junior year and standardized testing is behind us and now it's just anticipation. It's all good, but it heightens my anxiety level. Typically, when I'm anxious, I eat and I tend to curl up in a ball and stop exercising. Hell, I stop interacting with the outside world beyond work. I'm hoping this time I can work on changing my reaction to the anxiety...exercise as therapy like all of my healthy friends do. I've been good on exercise - running/walking consistently every other day. I started with 100 steps. Last run, I was up to 180 between my "catch your breath" walks. Tomorrow, I'm shooting for 200. Soon, I won't be able to keep count and I'll have to find another way to track. Not a bad problem to have. I'm signed up for the color run 5k on October 16th and right now, my goal is to be able to run the whole thing. I don't give a hoot how slow I am...I just want to finish it without walking any of it. Fingers crossed.

100 Steps

I stumbled upon this old blog as I was going in to set up a new one. I ended up reading it from start to finish and, by the end, I decided that I would just pick this one back up and start again. It seems fitting...because here we go again. My ongoing and constant battle with myself over health and fitness seems to be a roller coaster ride. I'm back up, weight-wise, to where I was when I first started this and honestly - I broke into tears when I read the old entry about getting under 200 and how "I'm never going to have a "2" in front of my weight ever again". Yeah...notsomuch. There's really just no excuse for it. I was so proud of myself and had worked so hard. I really thought I had overcome my demons. or at least tamed them a little. So...here we go again. I was going to call this blog "100 Steps" because that's the way I'm starting this time. I run 100 steps, then walk until I catch my breath, then run another 100 steps. Repeat. And I repeat over and over until I've gone 3 miles. I figure, that way, I don't get in a rut over my landmarks, as I tend to do ("I'll run until I get to that fence", "I'll run to THAT mailbox...") When I do that, I get stuck in routes. This way, any three mile route can be translated into this technique. Next time I run, 110 steps, still with a 3 mile route. Then 125, then 150 and so on. Eventually, I'll get to the point that I can't count it (it's amazing how hard it is to count your steps while listening to music you like). I'll figure that out when I get to that point. Yesterday was 100 steps. Next run, I'll increase. There's no denying that I'm embarrassed and horrified that I've let my weight creep back. I don't know what's going to click one day to make this work. But, I will keep trying. A significant thing has changed in my life. My youngest son goes off to high school this year. That means, no more carpooling in the morning since his older brother is going to be driving him to school. I don't have to be at work until 9am, so there's absolutely no excuse to NOT exercise in the morning. If I can't give myself one hour a day for myself - for my own health - then I really am pathetic.

New Year, Renewed Efforts

Let's take a look back.
I gave myself the month of December off. Kind of. I stopped tracking. I stopped worrying about food so much. I didn't go crazy, but I didn't stay focused either. I kept exercising as much as I could considering the craziness of the holiday schedule.

In the end, I think I've gained 5-7 pounds. Yuck. However, that's the price I pay for the mental break I had. The positive side was that I was totally conscious of the decisions I was making and totally conscious of the consequences of those decisions. I made the choice to do it and I can't say that I regret it. It's a shame to back pedal a bit, but at the same time, I was burnt out.

So, I enter 2010 with a renewed sense of purpose. WW at work starts up again soon and I'm glad. I'm ready to track, to eat healthy again. I've actually already started with the healthy eating part. And I've been doing the Jillian shred - which is killing me, by the way. But, it's all good. I'll keep it up and hopefully, will be ready to start tracking when WW starts back up.

I don't want to lose site of the fact that I entered 2009 at 227 and I enter 2010 at 197. Can't wait to see what the number is going into 2011.

2009
2010

Snap out of it!!!

I know I've been pretty sketchy in my updates lately, but something about the fact that nobody reads it, keeps me kind of lazy! haha. I write mainly for myself, but sometimes it's lonely to dump things on here and know they are going into some cosmic, virtual black hole. I do need to remind myself, however, that the main benefit is getting it here in writing so I can look back at it later to 1)see how far I've come and 2)do a little self-analysis. Some of the healthiest times in my life have been when I'm journaling and rereading my entries. This is just an online version of the same.

So, it's been around a month and I haven't lost a single pound. I may have even gained a couple. Truth is, I'm doing pretty well if I were trying to maintain my weight - I'm exercising regularly, I'm making reasonably smart food decisions (allowing for a treat or splurge here and there...). But, I'm NOT doing what I need to do to lose weight. I'm not doing a good job of tracking. I've settled back into my post-dinner snacking (late night eating really just needs to go away altogether). I allow myself to partake in some family favorites that I was really disciplined about staying away from at the beginning of this journey.

It is time to snap out of it!
NO MORE EATING AFTER DINNER. You're not hungry. You're bored. You're like a freakin' drug addict at night, just waiting for M to go to bed so you can pour a little bowl of cereal or eat a few starbursts. Nothing huge or that bad in and of itself...it's more about the REASON for eating than the actual eating. You do not need to eat when you're not hungry. Period. Wasted calories.

I ran a few miles last night during C's soccer practices, then went home and undid all of the good work in just a single bowl of late night cereal. That could have been 300 calories towards losing weight.

I needed this today...

okay, not the part about the food, but the part about the running...

http://eatliverun.com/reader-beware-long-rant-ahead/#comments

5k v.2

I ran in a last minute 5k this past weekend. Not prepared and not sure I could even run 3 miles. I've had a heck of a time getting my mileage back up after my calf injury a few months ago. However, when I got the email from my friend, M, at the beginning of last week, I felt compelled to say "sure!" Last time, my goal was to run the whole thing without walking any of it. I accomplished that goal! This time, I wasn't as confident about running the whole thing, but my goal was to finish it in less time than my last one (a speedy 40.22 haha).

It was a hilly, calf-achingly, difficult run, but I did it! Chip time was 39.11 (which allowed me to officially say I beat my last time, although not by much! :) I walked a few of the hills, but I walked quickly. I think my pacing was a problem...ran the first mile WAY too quickly and never was able to really recover. Didn't help that the whole last half was uphill (or maybe it just felt that way!).

5k #2 is behind me and I'm going to work towards the next one - RFTC on October 3. I've found that having a race on the calendar keeps me motivated. Right now, however, my calves and shin splints are so sore, I can't imagine going out to run. I'll give myself another day or two to rest, then hit the pavement again! This is a little addictive.

On the weight front, I think I've gained a few pounds in the last few weeks. I've been very bad about tracking...so, this week, back on the tracking bandwagon...ugh. So sick of doing that.

New Pics

I've added photos to my picture page...

blah

I am just so sad. I feel trapped and I just want out.

weight is fine...down to 192 and doing well on ww and running. my issues are unrelated.

so down.

I heart Ann Taylor LOFT

Why? Because it's the first REGULAR store in many, many years that I have walked into, picked things off the rack, tried them on, and bought them. Not a plus size. Not a "missus" size. A regular size (albeit XL) that I tried on and things fit. And I liked them. And I bought them. To most people, this doesn't seem like a big deal, but to me, it's huge. So huge, in fact, that my last blog was called "The Regular Store" because my big goal at the time was to fit in clothes at the regular stores. So, it was quite the milestone for me.

I haven't been writing much and I've been trying to figure out why. I've been doing fine on my weight loss - it's coming off very slowly, but it's still coming off. I've been doing okay on my running - not as great as I'd like it to, but I'm still getting out there three or four times a week and I'm planning on running in another 5k race in October. I think I'm not writing mainly because I don't think anyone else reads this. When I'm writing for myself, it's mainly to capture progress or to write things down that are weighing on me and I just haven't had that much that I need to say to myself. If I thought others were reading, I'd be more likely to pop in and say "Just wanted to say hi! I'm doing fine and I hope you are."

So, if there's anyone out there, "Hi! I'm doing fine and I hope you are." If noone is out there, then to me, "Good job, girl! I knew you could do it and we'll keep going back to LOFT to celebrate the success!"

YUM

N saw a commercial the other day that talked about sticking a Yoplait Whips! yogurt (3WW points) into the freezer. So, we grabbed a few of my key lime pie yogurts and gave it a shot. SO YUMMY. It's like having an ice cream treat, but it's healthy, low in points and guilt-free! Great idea, Yoplait!!! Gotta try some other flavors in there...I'm thinking the chocolate might be a good one...

BTW...we tried it with the non-whipped kind and it didn't work well...too icy.

Up to Date...

Wow. I can't believe it's been this long since I've written. Part of it that there were a few weeks off from WW. WW weigh in days tend to be my reminder to write something. Without the weigh ins, I guess I'm forgetful. Honestly, I haven't officially weighed in since the last time on here. I think my weight has held steady. I don't think I've lost, but I don't think I've gained either. Had a couple of not-so-great food weeks, but have been very active and I think the activity has kept the weight in check.

We went on vacation...super-activity vacation....Carowinds one day, hiking in the mountains the next...17 mile bike ride down the Virginia Creeper trail...rafting on the New River. Finished off with a trip to my in-laws for my FILs 80th birthday! It was a crazy busy, crazy fun week. Lots of calories burned and lots of calories consumed! So, I started fresh on Sunday when we returned. I've been tracking and running every day. Not long distances, but I got a Nike + for my birthday (also last week) and I've been playing with it in the evenings! I LOVE IT!!! Every night, I plan to gradually increase my distance until I've worked back up to 3 miles. Hopefully, it won't take too long to get back. Meanwhile, my calf is doing great. I seem to have mild shin splints right now, but it's manageable and not nearly like the calf strain problem from the past few months!


I guess I've discovered two immensely important things this past week. All of a sudden, it's occurred to me that I feel confident I can continue this weight loss journey without WW. All of a sudden, I just kind of "get it". I know when I'm doing well; I know when I'm not doing so well; I know what to eat; I know when I need to regain control by tracking again; I know that exercise is key; I have a great support system around me. It's like the bulb switched on and I realize I can do this. Forever. For real. Let me stop for a moment and absorb that.

Okay.

The other realization is how much better shape I'm in this year. Last year, we went for a hike in the mountains with my brother and his family. Climbing that mountain just about killed me. I truly lagged behind and I felt like I must have had the Biggest Loser cameras following me. In fact, that's the only way I was able to keep going - I pretended the TBL cameras were on me and I was doing one of their challenges. I stopped to rest a zillion times, was woefully out of breath and miserable. I just wanted to cry. I came home from that trip feeling like such a failure and such a loser that I had let myself get into such a bad condition. I, to this day, believe that was a turning point for me. It took me almost six more months to kick into gear, but that day had a huge impact on me. Fastforward to this year, I may not have run up the mountain, but I stayed the same pace as my kids (last year, they raced ahead of me). M lagged behind ME this time! Although I felt bad for him because I know how that feels, I had a smile on my face the whole time. I managed the climb relatively easily and I fel tremendously proud of how far I've come. I may still have a long way to go, but it was one of those "look back and see where I came from" kind of moments. It was awesome.

Red, White, Blue and Vodka

I had a great fourth of July weekend - did really well on food, but drank my points in vodka! We did our annual Mt. Pleasant/IOP trip and I was proud of the eating. However, the drinking was unbelievable. The first night, I did cranberry pomagranite with vodka, but wisened up the next day, stopping to buy diet tonic. A little lime and lots of crushed ice - yum!

Running has been going really well. Still not going far, but what I lack in distance, I'm making up for in consistency. The distance will come. And so far, the calf feels great!

Start 227.8
Current 197.8

Total 30

Long Time, No Write...

It's been a long time. I've been in such a funk and, in the past, that was when I wanted to write the most. But, this time...not so much.

Anyway, I'm back on track - mentally and physically. There has been a lot going on.

mentally - still not where I need/want to be.
physically - my calf is feeling great and I've been able to slowly start building up my running efforts again!

I didn't think the day would ever come when I would say that is a relief. I've never enjoyed exercising, but my relationship with it has really changed. I still don't like it. I don't know that I ever will. I do, however, LOVE how it makes me feel. Physically, I feel strong and like a part of the world. Rather than driving by runners and thinking to myself how much I wish that were the kind of person I am. I AM that person. Sometimes, when I'm running, I visualize some person driving by, seeing me, and wishing they were the one out there. It makes me feel strong and it makes me feel proud.

Mentally, my hope is that the running and the sense of pride I feel will make my mental focus better. I'll feel better about myself and will stay motivated. I've been doing an awful job tracking for WW. I don't think I'm making bad choices overall, but I really haven't been writing (or typing) it down. I need to work on that.

Start 227.8
Current 198.4

Total 29.4

Lance Honey Buns

Why is it that an office full of women CONSTANTLY has unhealthy food in the break room? I really don't understand it. We talk about health and wellness constantly. We have a wellness coordinator that is incredibly high profile at work (who works in our department). There are at least two of the seven of us on WW. Yet...every time I walk in the break room there is a box of Lance Honey Buns or home made banana bread or muffins. It's like a constant test of my will. I do pretty well at avoiding them, but it's almost like this unspoken sabotage - or at least it feels that way. I always get "Oh, I'm sorry Ellen" as people are taking their turns heating them up in the microwave. It's not my business and people get to make their own choices about what they feed their bodies. The odd thing is I don't even WANT one. I'm not sure why it bothers me so. Here's what I think...I've been stalled at this weight for quite a while - I avoid those nasty empty calories and I feel like I'm doing a reasonably good job focusing on health and nutrition. Yet...the weight isn't coming off. These other ladies are eating that junk and don't seem to have to pay a price for it. I realize I sound like a twelve year old and I also realize the faulty logic in this, but I think it comes down to the fact that it's the good ol' green eyed monster in action. I'm jealous. It's as simple as that.

I've been really thinking about "Operation Beautiful" these past few days. I love the concept and I'm going to participate. I think trying to make every woman aware that beauty is more than what you see in the mirror is an important and valuable mission. However, I don't know how to make that leap myself. I know I judge myself by what I see in the mirror and what I see on the scale. I know I do it, I just don't know how to stop. I'm just hoping by participating in the project that some of it will wear off on me as well! Then, it'd be successful on multiple levels!

I'm frustrated and I'm tired...it's a frightening place to be.

Note to Self...

Snacking on Starburst fruit chews at 11:00pm does NOT help the weight loss efforts. Stop doing that.

No WI this week...

We didn't have a weigh in this week, so I'm assuming my weight to be the same and I'll capture the two week LOSS at the next weigh in. I feel good about the week - tracked well, did a pretty good amount of exercise, didn't eat out much. So, fingers crossed. I'm going to shoot for another week with the same goals and hopefully, it'll pay off Tuesday on the scale!

Frustration and Injury

I'm in a funk. I've been trying to deny it, but it's in front of me, clear as day. Funkiness. Blahs. Annoyance.

Funkiness #1 - I can't seem to get past this calf injury. I know I need to call the doctor and get it checked out, but I'm sure I'm going to be put on a "running hiatus" when I do. I know it's important to rest it in order to heal, but here's the thing. I've spent my whole life hating exercise. I've tried the gym-rat approach. I've tried bike riding. I've tried swimming. I've tried walking. I've tried yoga. I've just never clicked with any of those things. I've even tried running before. For some reason, this time, running has clicked. I've enjoyed it more than I ever have. The feeling of accomplishment I got when I finished that 5k was enough to keep me coming back for more. It's not that I love it while I'm doing it, but I love the way it makes me feel afterwards - physically and emotionally. I feel proud. I feel energized. I love the way it helps those pounds go down. And now that I've discovered that, I don't want to give it up. It's really depressing. So, last night while running with N, I came to the conclusion that I really do need to call the doctor. It's been going on too long and it's clearly not improving on it's own, despite all of my efforts with ice, ibuprofen, massage, stretching, heat, etc... it's depressing.

Funkiness #2 - I clearly have hit a plateau in WW - I'm been hovering around the same weight for quite a while (or at least it feels that way to me). This week, I've been the model weightwatcher. I've tracked EVERYTHING. I've done some sort of exercise every day. I've eaten all of my points, but haven't gone over even one day. I'm eating all of my veggies and keeping refined sugar to a minimum. I'm drinking a ton of water!!! I know I shouldn't get on the scale during the week (WI is on Tuesdays), but I stepped on this morning before I got in the shower and NOTHING HAS CHANGED. I've scoured my tracker to see what needs to change, but I'm mirroring my foods from a good week and I really don't see what's wrong. ARGH.

Any ideas for snapping out of a rut? I'm all ears....