Long Time, No Write...

It's been a long time. I've been in such a funk and, in the past, that was when I wanted to write the most. But, this time...not so much.

Anyway, I'm back on track - mentally and physically. There has been a lot going on.

mentally - still not where I need/want to be.
physically - my calf is feeling great and I've been able to slowly start building up my running efforts again!

I didn't think the day would ever come when I would say that is a relief. I've never enjoyed exercising, but my relationship with it has really changed. I still don't like it. I don't know that I ever will. I do, however, LOVE how it makes me feel. Physically, I feel strong and like a part of the world. Rather than driving by runners and thinking to myself how much I wish that were the kind of person I am. I AM that person. Sometimes, when I'm running, I visualize some person driving by, seeing me, and wishing they were the one out there. It makes me feel strong and it makes me feel proud.

Mentally, my hope is that the running and the sense of pride I feel will make my mental focus better. I'll feel better about myself and will stay motivated. I've been doing an awful job tracking for WW. I don't think I'm making bad choices overall, but I really haven't been writing (or typing) it down. I need to work on that.

Start 227.8
Current 198.4

Total 29.4

Lance Honey Buns

Why is it that an office full of women CONSTANTLY has unhealthy food in the break room? I really don't understand it. We talk about health and wellness constantly. We have a wellness coordinator that is incredibly high profile at work (who works in our department). There are at least two of the seven of us on WW. Yet...every time I walk in the break room there is a box of Lance Honey Buns or home made banana bread or muffins. It's like a constant test of my will. I do pretty well at avoiding them, but it's almost like this unspoken sabotage - or at least it feels that way. I always get "Oh, I'm sorry Ellen" as people are taking their turns heating them up in the microwave. It's not my business and people get to make their own choices about what they feed their bodies. The odd thing is I don't even WANT one. I'm not sure why it bothers me so. Here's what I think...I've been stalled at this weight for quite a while - I avoid those nasty empty calories and I feel like I'm doing a reasonably good job focusing on health and nutrition. Yet...the weight isn't coming off. These other ladies are eating that junk and don't seem to have to pay a price for it. I realize I sound like a twelve year old and I also realize the faulty logic in this, but I think it comes down to the fact that it's the good ol' green eyed monster in action. I'm jealous. It's as simple as that.

I've been really thinking about "Operation Beautiful" these past few days. I love the concept and I'm going to participate. I think trying to make every woman aware that beauty is more than what you see in the mirror is an important and valuable mission. However, I don't know how to make that leap myself. I know I judge myself by what I see in the mirror and what I see on the scale. I know I do it, I just don't know how to stop. I'm just hoping by participating in the project that some of it will wear off on me as well! Then, it'd be successful on multiple levels!

I'm frustrated and I'm tired...it's a frightening place to be.

Note to Self...

Snacking on Starburst fruit chews at 11:00pm does NOT help the weight loss efforts. Stop doing that.

No WI this week...

We didn't have a weigh in this week, so I'm assuming my weight to be the same and I'll capture the two week LOSS at the next weigh in. I feel good about the week - tracked well, did a pretty good amount of exercise, didn't eat out much. So, fingers crossed. I'm going to shoot for another week with the same goals and hopefully, it'll pay off Tuesday on the scale!

Frustration and Injury

I'm in a funk. I've been trying to deny it, but it's in front of me, clear as day. Funkiness. Blahs. Annoyance.

Funkiness #1 - I can't seem to get past this calf injury. I know I need to call the doctor and get it checked out, but I'm sure I'm going to be put on a "running hiatus" when I do. I know it's important to rest it in order to heal, but here's the thing. I've spent my whole life hating exercise. I've tried the gym-rat approach. I've tried bike riding. I've tried swimming. I've tried walking. I've tried yoga. I've just never clicked with any of those things. I've even tried running before. For some reason, this time, running has clicked. I've enjoyed it more than I ever have. The feeling of accomplishment I got when I finished that 5k was enough to keep me coming back for more. It's not that I love it while I'm doing it, but I love the way it makes me feel afterwards - physically and emotionally. I feel proud. I feel energized. I love the way it helps those pounds go down. And now that I've discovered that, I don't want to give it up. It's really depressing. So, last night while running with N, I came to the conclusion that I really do need to call the doctor. It's been going on too long and it's clearly not improving on it's own, despite all of my efforts with ice, ibuprofen, massage, stretching, heat, etc... it's depressing.

Funkiness #2 - I clearly have hit a plateau in WW - I'm been hovering around the same weight for quite a while (or at least it feels that way to me). This week, I've been the model weightwatcher. I've tracked EVERYTHING. I've done some sort of exercise every day. I've eaten all of my points, but haven't gone over even one day. I'm eating all of my veggies and keeping refined sugar to a minimum. I'm drinking a ton of water!!! I know I shouldn't get on the scale during the week (WI is on Tuesdays), but I stepped on this morning before I got in the shower and NOTHING HAS CHANGED. I've scoured my tracker to see what needs to change, but I'm mirroring my foods from a good week and I really don't see what's wrong. ARGH.

Any ideas for snapping out of a rut? I'm all ears....

New Week

My WI this week was not anything to write about. I'm up less than a pound, but it's still UP. I've been tremendously lucky that a gain hasn't happened much since I started this and, when it has, it's been minimal. I want to use it to jumpstart me into focus again. A couple of things...

1. I haven't been doing great with my tracking and that changes starting today. I am committed to tracking everything this week to see if it helps.
2. I am committing to doing at least one active thing every single day this week. That doesn't mean hard core exercise, but I want to run at least three times (if the sore calf allows...can't believe it's still bothering me).
3. I am committing to cut out all after dinner snacking. This isn't a huge one for me...I don't eat much after dinner normally, but those little bites here and there add up.

We'll see how it goes.

Start 227.8
Current 199.6

Total 28.2

Tuesday: Went running
Wednesday: Hand weights, leg lifts
Thursday: Went running

New Kicks!

I had the best time at the running store today. It was really great to have someone help me figure out what I really need to be able to run comfortably (and hopefully without calf issues). Apparently, I have a moderate pronation and pretty flat arches and the shoes I had - although great running shoes - weren't the right ones for me! It was kind of intimidating to go in there, and embarrassing to run back and forth in all of the different shoes in front of the store! However, now that I've had that experience, I can't imagine doing it another way. They were so helpful and it didn't hurt that they happened to be having a 15% off sale!

Tomorrow, I get to break in the new ones...hopefully, all will go well and my leg issues will be resolved!

OK Go!

Here we go, here we go, here we go again....

I can't get that song out of my head. I think I need to download it to my ipod so I can run to it. I got under 200 and I've been eating like a horse ever since. What the hell is wrong with me? ACK.

The last three days have been horrendous on the eating front. Just writing that makes me laugh because I've been really good compared to what I would have eaten BWW (before weight watchers...), but for somebody trying to lose weight, it's been awful. I've had wine (several glasses), I've had calamari (fried, nonetheless), I've had a veggie grinder (no mayo, but lots of cheese), and I can't think of what else because I haven't written it down! I've just about blown every one of my 35 extra points and it's only Friday night. I better be good for the rest of the week just to maintain this week. Otherwise, I'll go right back over that "2" ledge.

Tomorrow, I'm going to the running store to get fitted for a new pair of kicks. My calf is feeling good and I'm ready to get back out there and run! Hopefully, that's what I need to run pain-free and I can hit the road. If I can run every day, no matter how short the distance, between now and Tuesday, I may salvage this horrible week!

Pause a moment and enjoy...

I went into my WW meeting this week hoping to hang on by my fingernails. This week was full of celebrations - my 15th anniversary, C's birthday...I knew I had done as well as I could, but I also knew that I had gone to Melting Pot, I had a piece of icecream cake, I had several glasses of wine, I had a spoonful of mac-n-cheese. I had tried hard to compensate and plan for all of these, but let's just say, I wasn't expecting much from the WI. I went in thinking if I can hold on through May, then I can start June fresh and do better.

Well, imagine my surprise when I got on the scale and was DOWN 1.4 pounds! CRAZY. 1.4 is what I consider to be reasonably good for a normal week. But, this week....wow. I'm a little in shock. I still can't run (although now it's more about my crazy sore foot than my calf strain issue)...I've walked some, but not enough that I consider it real exercise.

But, here's the bigger thing. It takes me down to the "1s". I've been stuck above 200 for so long, I began to think I wasn't going to ever make it happen. The 1s. I haven't had a 1 in front of my weight since BEFORE N was born. That's over 10 years ago. Thinking about this day, I thought I'd be more emotional. I thought I'd really stop my world for a while and savor the moment. But, truth is, it took me around an hour to even really realize the significance of this WI. I still have so far to go, but I really need to make myself pause for a moment and enjoy my accomplishment. It's a quiet celebration. I've not told anyone in my family how much I weighed when I started, so nobody knows to celebrate with me and I'm really okay with that. My kids are dying to know how much I weigh, but I've been so ashamed of that number, that all I've said is "when I'm done losing weight, I'll tell you what the number was. Until then, it's my secret." They don't really understand why I won't share it and I don't have a good explanation, but I really think it has a lot to do with the embarassment I feel that I let my weight get away from me that far. I'm starting to see myself again when I look in the mirror. Or, more accurately, it's the self that I think I still saw at my heaviest, but other people didn't see.

I have a pile of clothes in the corner of my room. Every time I go to put something on and it's too big, I take it off and put it in that stack. It'll be my "give away" stack. It's not a huge stack yet, which is weird since I've lost almost 30 pounds...I've really only gone down a size or two. But, I feel like I'm on the cusp of that stack getting much larger. Today, I'm wearing a pair of cropped pants I've had for years that have always fit, although not always well. Today, they're pretty big on me. They still fit, but another five pounds and they won't.

So, this is a long entry to say I know I still have a long way to go, but today's WI is important in the fact that it seals my belief that I can do it. I've come this far. I can continue. And, for now...I'm going to pause a moment and enjoy it.

Start 227.8
Current 199.4

Total 28.4