Well hello there, collar bones!

It's really the small things that I've been noticing as I've been stalled around the same weight for a while. First, it was the looseness of my rings. They are spinning around my finger again during the course of the day, which hasn't happened in ages.

Today, I noticed my collar bones. When I was younger, my collar bones were one of my favorite features. Not sure why, really, but I just find visible collarbones kind of sexy. Not skeletal, no meat on the bones, visible...just visible. They've been hidden under layers of fat for a while and well, hello there, collarbones - you're back! Yay.

Not a great weight loss week, but I wasn't expecting it to be. I'm still out on the running front, so exercise has been minimal. Just a few bike rides here and there. M's birthday and some pretty lax tracking has shown itself to be true weight retainers. However, I only gained .2, so I actually am okay with that. Refocusing today. Drinking lots of water and need to stop any after-dinner snacking. I have my anniversary this week and C's birthday. So, it may be another low productivity week, but mentally, I'll be back on track!

Start 227.8
Current 200.6

Total 27.2

Wasted Anxiety

I was nervous that enough people wouldn't sign up...there were.
I was nervous that the two weeks without a meeting was going to do me in...it didn't.

Start 227.8
Current 200.4

Total 27.4

So, I didn't see the "1" this week. Although, when I weighed myself on my own scales, it shows more like 198. However, I'm considering the WW scale the "official" scale, so it looks like one more week in the "2"s...but then, I'm done with those forever! I can't believe I'm even saying that.

Nervous

Tomorrow is the first day of a new 17 week session of WW at work. Assuming, we have two additional people sign up...in order for us to get the group off the ground, we need to have 15 people. As of today, we only had 13 confirmed, but two more said they'd be there. If those two people don't show up, check in hand, they'll cancel the session.

I'm nervous. I'm nervous because I REALLY want to get another session going. I lost around 25 pounds in the last 17 week session and the convenience of having it during lunch time at the office is HUGE for me. It makes me follow through and it's convenient to have it at lunch instead of trying to find time in the evenings during the week to get over there. I'm nervous because it's been two weeks since our last meeting and I have no idea how I've done. I don't think I've gained any weight, but I really don't think I've lost either. Which just illustrates that much more why I need these sessions. I'm not nearly as effective on my own. Especially with the running hiatus. The calf issue has really put a cramp (haha...pardon the pun) in my exercise efforts. I know I need to find another aerobic outlet if I can't run, but I can't think of anything appealing that doesn't hurt my leg. I hate to swim. Bike riding isn't nearly as convenient. I love the ease of throwing on my running shoes and walking out the front door. It just works for me. Even walking is tough on my leg right now.

So, here I am a bundle of nerves. Wish me luck.

Camryn Manheim or "the story of what made me do this..."

Look at her. I remember back in the day, I loved when she was on LA Law and I loved her in The Practice. Those are really the only two shows that I remember her from. She represented the epitome of a larger woman who had confidence, talent, humor, and what appeared to be a true love of herself just the way she is. When I saw her in interviews (haven't seen her in a while, hence the past tense), she always seemed witty and smart and stylish. I admired her. All of this is to say, I like Camryn Manheim as an actress and a personality on tv and I always thought she'd be pretty fun to hang out with. This story, although it will sound that way, isn't a criticism of her. Not at all.

Fast forward. Around three years ago, I was in San Diego at a conference with my boss. He and I were pretty good friends socially and it was at the end of a day. We were on a boat, enjoying quite a few cocktails at the expense of one of our vendors who took around 150 people out for a dinner/drinks cruise around San Diego. It was a lovely evening...the food was good...the drinks were better...and the company was nice. I was in a great mood. And then it happened. My boss, very innocently, told me that he always thought I reminded him of Camryn Manheim. Pause. At the time, I had very long hair (see picture) and, in retrospect, I was probably about the same size (bigger than this picture, which I'm sure is a bit photoshopped). Because of the way I've always felt about Camryn Manheim, I could've taken it as a compliment. Could have. However, I was not confident and stylish. I didn't see myself as witty and smart (okay, maybe smart...but not particularly witty). I wasn't a talented actress. So, all I could relate it to was my size. No matter how accurate he may have been, I DIDN'T SEE MYSELF THAT WAY. I think I had myself convinced that I wasn't that large. In my head, I still saw myself as the athletic, thin girl from high school and college (who, ironically, always thought of herself as fat back then, but that's a post for another day). I remember my mood deflating like a pin to a balloon. I excused myself and went into the bathroom, closed the stall and cried like a baby. I sucked it up and pretended to be fine the rest of the night (after I pulled myself together), but went back to my hotel room that night and cried myself to sleep. I went back to the office the following week, printed a copy of the picture above and hung it on the bulletin board in my office. I covered it with another paper so nobody knew it was there. But I knew. And I'd look at it every day. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I thought it would motivate me.

Fast forward again. That picture is still on my bulletin board at work. It never did motivate me to get off my butt and do something, but it sure did give me lots to think about and caused me to shed many tears. Anytime I'm running now and I want to stop, one of the things that goes through my mind is "camryn manheim...camryn manheim...". I know my old boss would be horrified to know how many tears I've cried over an innocent comment...but it really shook me to my core. It was one of those defining moments that humbled me and put me in my place. Made me open my eyes to realize what others see when they look at me. I still can't believe I let myself do that to my body. I can't change any of that now, but I can make a difference going forward. I've had other "defining moments", but this is the one I think about the most. To Camryn, wherever she is... I feel like I should thank you.

funk and cranky pants

I've looked back through pages of this and it seems like the content I've been putting on here is pretty superficial and light. My old blog covered so many serious and depressing topics, I got sick of hearing myself whine. Reason number one for getting rid of it last year. I didn't want to be that person who spends her time whining to total strangers on the Internet. That blog had a lot of regular readers and comments from folks and I always felt like I was fishing for "atta girls" and compliments every time I wrote anything sad. I may have gone too far the other way this time, to the point that I'm not really saying anything at all. I have been journaling (in the "drafts" of my email at work) about things that are really bothering me until I figure out a way to strike a balance on here. I know that nobody is reading this one...which sometimes makes me a little sad and lonely...and sometimes is freeing...so, technically, I'm writing for myself. I guess that means that writing it on here is really no different than in the drafts of my email. So, maybe I'll figure out a way to branch out.

The problem with that is it diverts me from my original purpose - to have a place to track my weight loss and fitness efforts. NOT to be my own personal self-therapy couch. I realize the mental aspects of all of this are integrally related to the weight issues, so I guess it's all related. I just don't want to spend my time on here whining. I just have a lot on my mind. I've been in a funk and have had my "cranky pants" on. I am feeling nostalgic and lonely. I've not wanted to be around my super-supportive, but sometimes exhausting and irritating husband. My parents moving to town make me feel crowded and judged and obligated and I hate that. My kids demand more of my time and attention that I feel able to give. I long for time alone. I really wish I wasn't trapped in my job. I feel used and taken advantage of and disappointed by many of my friends. Ugh. I feel like if I start writing about any of these, the flood gates will open and I'll get totally off track. Maybe I'll tackle one or two of these, but if I want it to stay focused on running and weight watchers, I need to keep it in check. Next post is going to be my Camryn Manheim story.

Spinning out of control...

Ahhhhh...I just reread my last post and it makes me a little sick. There's no way in hell that I'll see that "1" this week. It's been a bad week, food wise, so far. I know I have until Tuesday's weigh in, but it's hard to see it happening. Tomorrow is a new day and I really need to refocus and get back on track. I haven't been tracking at all the last few days. Add to that my lack of running and it doesn't make for a good combination!

Too much eating out and not enough exercise. Bad.

Why do I sabotage myself like this?

"2"

I'm thinking that next week is going to be a significant one for me. I wrote yesterday about the "2" at the front of my weight and how I've been hovering around 200 for quite some time. Looking at my loss chart, it really hasn't been that long -it just FEELS like it's been a long time. I just weighed myself on the scale in our office and it said 201. That means, if things go well this coming week, next week could be a huge milestone for me. It's been so long since I've seen a "1" at the front of that number that I can't even remember how long it's been.

I distinctly remember being in the Dr's office when pregnant with my first son and the first time I stood on that scale and it said "186". I'm not sure why that day stands out in my mind, but I remember thinking...wow..I've really gained a lot of weight with this pregnancy. Second pregnancy, I don't think I weighed that much at top weight. I had lost a lot of weight between pregnancies and I think I maxed out at 180 the second time. Then, I just never lost weight after son #2 was born. I gradually gained over the next 10 years until I ended up where I was in January. It really horrifies me that I let myself get so out of control in the past decade. I'm so glad that I'm finally grabbing ahold of it and making some significant change and I truly believe that once I get that "1" back, I'll never see "2" again.

Start 227.8
Current 201

Total 26.8

Ugh and Ugh

Ugh #1 - my calf is really killing me today. Good news is that it's raining pretty hard, so it's doubtful I'll convince myself to run through it tonight. I'm really at a loss as to what to do. I've finally gotten myself into an exercise routine and I'm terrified that giving myself too long of a break is going to push me right back into my sloth-like tendencies again. I hate to swim. I've been riding my bike a lot, but I just don't feel like I get the same kind of workout. We rode the 5k route yesterday afternoon, and it just isn't the same. I'm really hopeful that new shoes will do the trick, but I can't get over there until Sunday, so I'm not sure how to trudge through this week.

Ugh #2 - I have been hovering around the magic 200 mark for several weeks now. I don't consciously feel like I'm sabotaging myself, but I can't seem to get that "1" in front of my number. In my head, I know that if I EVER get there, I'll never see a "2" at the front again. I know that now and I'm proud of that. HOWEVER, getting there seems to be a real issue for me. The WW at work program is on hiatus, so I'm on my own while we try to recruit new folks for another 17 week round. Scheduled, tentatively, to start back up on 5/19. I'm determined that on that first official weigh in, the 1 is there. I hope I can do this on my own for the next few weeks. I'm going to weigh myself as normal tomorrow at home, but my scale doesn't have the accuracy that the WW scale has. So, I'll just have to do my best with it.

I'm a nervous wreck. And I'm hungry. Not a good combination!

Back at it...

So, the calf still hurts. Hard to believe after a full week of rest. Tonight, I decided I wanted to get back out there and run...My husband, M, and my younger son, N, decided they wanted to go with me. M really wants to start running, so I thought we could start the c25k over again. It would help him get started and would help me ease the leg back into exercise. It amazed me how much better shape I'm in this time around. I barely was even breathing hard. Amazing. I did run a faster pace, despite my leg pain.

I think I'm going to go to the running store next weekend and get fitted for new shoes. Maybe the leg pain is due to the wrong shoes. if that doesn't resolve the pain, I don't know what else to do! Fingers crossed!

We had fun - the three of us out running. We've picked out another 5k to run - a night run in a nearby town on July 17th. It'd be so cool if the whole family could do it!

Reflection

So…I figure it’s time that I sit and really try to collect my thoughts about the race. I’ve had such an overwhelming swirl of emotions – from disappointment, to pain, to adrenaline, to relief, to sheer pride and happiness, that it’s been kind of difficult to put it in writing. Although I think I’m the only one who ever reads this site, it’s important to me that I try to get it down so I can reflect on it later. If there is anyone reading this, my apologies for the length!

7:00am – a nervous wreck. I wake up and I’m the only one in the house that’s awake. M and N are still asleep, but they’ll be getting up soon to go to Winston for a soccer tournament. C is still asleep, but he’ll be getting up soon to go to Fayetteville for his tournament (being pawned off on a friend since I’m running in the race and M is going with N). I’m so nervous, I don’t want coffee and I really don’t want to eat. I had planned to eat oatmeal and a banana, but opted for two fiber one muffins instead. Probably not the breakfast of champions, but it’s all I can stomach. I fill up a thing of water, hit the road. I parked at the office so I could run in and use the bathroom before I head down the street to sign in and get my chip/number. I find L, my running partner/coach, and we slowly head over to the start of the race. One of the drawback/advantages of running a race a block from my campus (office) is that I know WAY too many people. From the volunteers, to the runners, to the people there to cheer…I knew tons of people. That’s great in terms of having a cheering squad, but for a new runner like me it’s a bit intimidating. At the start line, they sent a lot of the younger runners to the back of the pack (where I had conveniently placed myself so as not to get in anyone’s way…) This drove me nuts because it meant I was going to have to deal with dozens of 8-10 year olds flying past me during the first mile. L pointed out, and accurately so in retrospect, that we would pass many of them further down the road as they burn out from sprinting too fast at the start.

8:30 – the race. It was an overcast and VERY humid day. But, the temperature was good – not too hot. The first mile was okay, the second mile was brutal (it includes a half-mile uphill stretch), and the third mile just about killed me. I felt like I was moving very slowly and I really was having trouble keeping my breathing in control. There’s a steep uphill at the end of the first mile and it took me all the way to the huge hill in mile two to regain breath control. I was so thankful for L, who spent a good part of the second half of the race, reminding me to breath in and out deeply and to banish all negative thoughts. I think there were around three points along the way that I would’ve stopped if she hadn’t been running with me. The last stretch of mile three is a straight shot up the final road, so once I turned onto that road, I knew I’d finish…even if it did kill me. There’s no way I’d make it to the last road and then walk. I felt the adrenaline kick in and L kept saying, “you’re really speeding up and you don’t have to do that. Slow and steady.” All I could think of was, “the faster I run, the sooner this will be over!” 

9:10ish – the finish line. So, I’m slow. I know that. And, truthfully, I’m okay with it. I really want to be faster and that will be my next goal. But, considering my calf was strained (I felt no pain, by the way…I guess the adrenaline really masked the pain because I’ve been hurting really badly ever since) and it was my first race, I’m content. The official time of 40.22 was my personal best. Significantly. My best prior time was 44.14, so although I felt like I was going slowly, I guess I wasn’t going as slowly as I felt! I didn’t come in last place. I was relieved it was over. I was proud that I did it without walking a step (thanks, in large part to my running partner/coach/conscience haha). I, quite honestly, was amazed with myself that I did it. And, most importantly, I finished something I started. That probably means more to me than any other part of it. I notoriously start and don’t finish everything in my life…projects around the house, losing weight, tasks at work…you name it…it’s been a thorn in my side my whole life. This was symbolic to me in the sense that I’ve proven to myself that I can do it. I can finish what I set out to do.

I didn’t lose a pound this week. In fact, I gained .6 It just didn’t matter. I accomplished a much bigger goal this week and I wouldn’t trade it for a pound or two to save my life. I’ll lose weight this week. In fact, I’ve got more focus this week than I have in a while. And all because of that one 5k race. I’ve given myself a week off. My leg needs a chance to heal and I need a chance to set a new goal. I think I’ve got my sites on a nighttime run in July in a nearby town. Another 5k where, hopefully, I can get a better time. My runner friends tell me it’s addictive. I wouldn’t go that far yet, but I do think I’ll be ready to get back out there and run some more in a few more days. That in and of itself is huge to me…the fact that I WANT to get back out there and run some more. Crazy.

It wasn't fast. It wasn't pretty. But, I did it.

Official time was 40.22, but this was snapped with a cell phone as we crossed the finish line. I still need to put my thoughts about the run into a format that does it justice...but, for now, let me just say this.

I was not last.
I wasn't even last in my age group (almost, but not quite)!
I was 100 of 116 women.
I was 200 of 222 people.
It may have been slow, but it was my personal best time.

All in all, a day to be very proud.

Finish what I started...

It's the night before the run and I'm a nervous wreck. I know a 5k is - to most people - not a big deal and I'm sure my runner friends think it's nuts that I making it one. My family and friends have been so supportive while I've been working up to this and my facebook page tonight is full of great, "go-get-'em" and "we're proud of you" comments. I appreciate it so much, but I do feel a little silly. Almost child-like. Kind of like when you're potty training a toddler and they pee in the toilet for the first time..."good girl! way to go! I'm so proud of you! What a big girl!"

My leg is still killing me, I know I'll have trouble sleeping because I'm anxious, I'm terrified I won't be able to finish. I've tried, unsuccessfully, to convince myself that walking is okay...but, deep inside, I don't believe walking is okay. Truth be told, I'll be really disappointed if I have to walk any of it. I don't want to disappoint myself again. I want, for the first time, to finish what I started.