Look at her. I remember back in the day, I loved when she was on LA Law and I loved her in The Practice. Those are really the only two shows that I remember her from. She represented the epitome of a larger woman who had confidence, talent, humor, and what appeared to be a true love of herself just the way she is. When I saw her in interviews (haven't seen her in a while, hence the past tense), she always seemed witty and smart and stylish. I admired her. All of this is to say, I like Camryn Manheim as an actress and a personality on tv and I always thought she'd be pretty fun to hang out with. This story, although it will sound that way, isn't a criticism of her. Not at all.
Fast forward. Around three years ago, I was in San Diego at a conference with my boss. He and I were pretty good friends socially and it was at the end of a day. We were on a boat, enjoying quite a few cocktails at the expense of one of our vendors who took around 150 people out for a dinner/drinks cruise around San Diego. It was a lovely evening...the food was good...the drinks were better...and the company was nice. I was in a great mood. And then it happened. My boss, very innocently, told me that he always thought I reminded him of Camryn Manheim. Pause. At the time, I had very long hair (see picture) and, in retrospect, I was probably about the same size (bigger than this picture, which I'm sure is a bit photoshopped). Because of the way I've always felt about Camryn Manheim, I could've taken it as a compliment. Could have. However, I was not confident and stylish. I didn't see myself as witty and smart (okay, maybe smart...but not particularly witty). I wasn't a talented actress. So, all I could relate it to was my size. No matter how accurate he may have been, I DIDN'T SEE MYSELF THAT WAY. I think I had myself convinced that I wasn't that large. In my head, I still saw myself as the athletic, thin girl from high school and college (who, ironically, always thought of herself as fat back then, but that's a post for another day). I remember my mood deflating like a pin to a balloon. I excused myself and went into the bathroom, closed the stall and cried like a baby. I sucked it up and pretended to be fine the rest of the night (after I pulled myself together), but went back to my hotel room that night and cried myself to sleep. I went back to the office the following week, printed a copy of the picture above and hung it on the bulletin board in my office. I covered it with another paper so nobody knew it was there. But I knew. And I'd look at it every day. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I thought it would motivate me.
Fast forward again. That picture is still on my bulletin board at work. It never did motivate me to get off my butt and do something, but it sure did give me lots to think about and caused me to shed many tears. Anytime I'm running now and I want to stop, one of the things that goes through my mind is "camryn manheim...camryn manheim...". I know my old boss would be horrified to know how many tears I've cried over an innocent comment...but it really shook me to my core. It was one of those defining moments that humbled me and put me in my place. Made me open my eyes to realize what others see when they look at me. I still can't believe I let myself do that to my body. I can't change any of that now, but I can make a difference going forward. I've had other "defining moments", but this is the one I think about the most. To Camryn, wherever she is... I feel like I should thank you.
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