Ouch

I hurt all over. I really thought all of this exercise was supposed to make me feel better, but instead, I walk around like a 90 year old lady most of the time. While I was running last night, I was doing a mental inventory of all of my aches and pains. Started with right calf muscle...KILLING ME!!! Every step for the first half mile came with it a shooting pain through my calf. That stopped bothering me around that point - just in time for my right hip flexor to start its familiar twinging and pinging (just to remind me it's there...). That is a constant, dull pain throughout my run. My lower left back hurts while I run as well. Oh, and my left knee, if I don't place that foot down perfectly, catches (especially when running up hill). Ah, the joys of running. What is this "runner's high" that people talk about? Haha.

Eventually, my body settles in and the aches fade into the background...maily because I'm focused so much on trying to breathe!

By the end, I feel pretty good. I stretch well afterwards and take ibuprofen and ice the hip flexor while I stretch and watch tv. However, this morning, I woke up to some serious pain in my right calf. Not sure what's going on...Lots of stretching today, trying to make it feel better. With the run this Saturday, I don't want to start out in pain.

I swear, I'll be happy if I can convince my 90 year old body to ever run again after the 5k on Saturday! :)

Good Week

I lost three pounds this week, which is a little bizarre, really. I didn't run as much as normal, I ate pretty well, but no better than I normally do. I tracked, but slacked on the weekend (heheh...that rhymes). The ONE thing I can see that I did differently is that I only had ONE GLASS of wine this week. One glass on Saturday night. Maybe that was the difference, although I don't want that to be it because I really don't want to give up my wine!

I really don't seem to have a trend going, here. Hmmm....

Start 227.8
Current 203.6

Total 24.2

Maintaining...

Frustrating week on the WW front. I was dedicated to tracking...I cut out the jelly beans...I ran 4 times...and I didn't lose a pound. AHHH...

Oh, well...I'll keep on keepin' on and hopefully this week will be a little more productive. I'm only four pounds away from seeing a 1 at the beginning of my weight and I really want to get that in the next few weeks.

Start 227.8
Current 206.6

Total 21.2

Every picture tells a story...

I have avoided posting pictures out of some need for anonymity, but I think it's time I got over it. I haven't had the time to figure out how to create a photo page, so I'm going to just create this entry and can link back to it when I have new ones to post.

So...big sigh...here goes.

I started this enormous effort, weighing in at 227.8 (I still can't say that number out loud...shocking to me that I let myself get that large). This is me at my heaviest, right before my husband's company Christmas party.



When I look at this picture, I think about a couple of things...Wow. I felt horrible that night. I felt huge and frumpy and like I was dressed way older than my chronological age. Notice how I'm covering my stomach with my hand. I think I stood that way the majority of the night. My husband had to run to the store to grab something and I was left in the hotel room alone for a while. I had my camera and tried and tried to get a picture of myself that I liked to post on my FB page. Every picture I took looked horrible to me and I was almost in tears when he came back. I was embarrassed to tell him what I had been doing. The party was wonderful, his coworkers are great, and I was miserable the whole time.

Here is a close up of my face from that same night. If I look at my eyes, I can tell how unhappy I was. Look at the double chin. AHHHHHH!!! I hate these pictures.






Moving on...It wasn't long after that party that I decided to join WW. In February, we went to a fundraiser (another opportunity to dress up). At this point, I probably weighed around 218-220. I was actually feeling better about myself, although still having the "fattest girl in the room" complex. It's amazing what losing just 8 pounds will do for you. I had started running a little, had more energy, liked what I was wearing (I had the BEST shoes and I'm sorry you can't see them in this picture).







Here's the face close up from that same night. I don't really notice much of a difference in my face at this point.

This brings us to current. Unfortunately, I don't have any fun or fancy events to grab a nicely dressed picture...khakis will have to do. This is in my office this morning, weighing in at 206.

Funny...I think I look heavier in this picture than I did 15 pounds ago. Not a particularly flattering outfit, I suppose. Maybe I need to dress up and take a shot to see the real comparison. And straighten my hair. Yeah, that's it.









And finally, a face shot, taken this morning at 206. I can't wait until that double chin goes away and I can see my cheek bones again. Seems like my face is always the first thing to look thinner and I don't really notice it too much. Everyone else does, though. When I get comments, it's usually along the lines of "wow, your face looks totally different."

Okay, that's about all of this I can take for the day. I'll post new ones periodically just for fun.

Update to photo proof (on 9.7.09). I totally forgot to do it at 196 (30 pounds), so here I am at 192

It's not a good shot...black clothes on a black background, but it's the best I can do this morning.
and a face shot. Funny...I've lost around 35 pounds and when I look at these, I don't even notice much of a difference.

Sigh

Surrogate Family

When I started off on this journey to prepare to run a 5k, I had one driver that I kept stating as my main motivation. Anyone who asked me "why?" received the same standard answer..."I have spent more time than I care to admit, waiting at the finish line for family members to finish - camera in hand, cheering loudly, ready to hand over a bottle of water. I want, for once, to be the one being greeted - not doing the greeting."

Well, guess what? I will not have even one family member greeting me at the finish line on May 2nd. NOT ONE!!! I'd be lying if I didn't admit it kind of peeves me, but there's nobody to be mad at. Everyone has a great excuse. Youngest son has soccer games 1 1/2 hours away and my husband needs to take him. Older son has a game 3 1/2 hours away and we're pawning him off on a friend's family for the day. Parents will be on a cruise. Even my friend who was going to run with me has a conflict. So, no family waiting with camera in hand. Seriously, I was upset for a few days. I mean, this is a big deal to me...I've worked hard and I'm proud of myself and I will be EXCESSIVELY proud of myself if I finish it.

So, I've recruited a friend from work who will run with me, but I told her she needs to sprint the last 1/2 mile (she's a great distance runner who is going to take it slow to run with me) so that she can be at the finish line, camera in hand, cheering for me! She's a good friend and she'll happily oblige. For that, I am appreciative. As disappointed as I am that my family won't be there, I will not let it steal my joy from that accomplishment.

WW, Jelly Beans and Alcohol

Maybe I've discovered the jelly bean and wine diet. Somehow, despite the ridiculous amount of alcohol consumption and scarfing down more jelly beans than I care to admit, I managed to lose 2 pounds. I was so worried today due to all of that (plus the fact I was wearing REALLY light clothes at the last weigh in, which I thought caused an over estimation of my weight loss last time...so, I'm happy with the two!!!

Start 227.8
Current 206.6

Total 21.2

Three

I did it.
Still slow as hell.
But, I did it.

Analysis

I read these questions on another blog and I wanted to answer them over here so that I can reflect on them when I need to...

1. What types of food were you most likely to overeat?
I think it was mainly carbs and sugary things. I still have the tendency to eat candy. What's funny is that I was always able to say "no" to things like cookies, cakes and chips. We'd have stuff like that in the house and they'd eventually have to be thrown away because they'd go stale. For me, it's things like sweet tarts, hot tomales, sprees, mike and ikes...any fruity/chewy/sugary candy.

2. What times of day did you overeat most often?
Oh gosh...without hesitation, it is any time of day when I am alone. I tend not to eat too much when I have an audience, but late at night after everyone is in bed...or in the office in the morning before anyone comes in. Those are the "bewitching hours".

3. What feelings were you having most often when you overate?
Guilt. While I'm eating something that I know I shouldn't be, I generally feel guilty. Once I'm done, it's remorse. Why did I do that? or I can't believe I just ate that. Then I feel pretty helpless... why did I just do that? I can't believe I just did that, that was stupid. And then, anger. I get so mad at myself because I have such a lack of self-control.

4. Do you think you have a binge eating disorder?
No. Unless emotional eating is considered an eating disorder

5. What circumstances in your life do you believe contributed to your weight gain?I think there are quite a few reasons. I've always over-committed to other people and have always put everyone else before myself. I am basically a very lazy person, so flopping on the couch was always something preferable to working out. I grew up with a very critical mother, and never really felt good enough. I remember her making comments about my weight when I was a teenager and when I look at pictures from that time in my life - I WAS SKINNY!!! This maybe was a way to self-protect. A few bad breakups at inopportune times in my life really gave a hit to the old self esteem. Fear of failure. Oh, gosh...this list could go on and on forever.

6. Do you 'blame' anyone for your weight?
No. I'm the only one who picks up a fork and places it in my mouth. I'm the only one who chose to watch tv instead of going for a run or walk. There may be all kinds of circumstances, but I'm the one who made the choices.

7. What other behaviors made you overweight?
I think I covered many of them in #5.

8. Were you active or exercising while you gained weight?
Haha. NO! If I had been, I doubt I'd be answering these questions.

9. What made you finally want to change?
That list, by the way, continues to grow. In short...I want to be healthy, I want my knees to not hurt, I want to set a good example for my kids, I want to NOT be the fattest girl in the room, I want to weigh less than my husband, I want to stop being invisible, I want to shop in the regular stores, I want to enjoy shopping again, I want to wow people at my reunion in August, I want to hear somebody tell me that "you haven't changed a bit" instead of getting that silent gaze that I typically get when I haven't seen somebody in a long time, I want to beat my 13 year old in a 5k, I want to have more energy...I could keep typing all day.

Rambling Thoughts

I went out and ran the 5k route again today. It really is a beautiful run and I wish I could get all the way through it. Seems like the hills all hit at the wrong times! So, I still stopped and walked three times, but I shortened the walking and stretched the running. I just wouldn't let myself stop at the same places as last time...even if it was just ten steps further! And then, I started running again earlier than last time...even if it was just ten steps closer! :) Like I've said before, this is a mental game for me. All in all, I'm feeling pretty good about it. I have no idea if I can push myself to the full 5k in three weeks, but I need to figure out how to get okay with myself if I have to walk any of it. Right now, I'd be lying if I didn't admit I would feel a bit of failure if I have to walk. I've been working so hard for so long...I don't want to walk any of it!

Today, my mother commented on how much thinner my face is getting. Seems like a small thing and I could probably write several blog entries about my mom and the emotional baggage (which is probably why it WASN'T a small thing)...it was an important moment for me.

I went back and read through some of my old posts and it made me smile. I've come a long way in a relatively short time. It's good to reflect on it. Many of my initial goals are the same, and I'm a little closer to accomplishing some of them. I have a long way to go, but it was nice to reflect on the progress. A few other things I've noticed:

• I need to buy new jeans, which means I've technically gone down a size, but I don't want to spend the money. Primarily because I don't want to be in this size for long...so, I'm trying to decide if I just walk around in baggy jeans a little longer and then skip two sizes when I go to buy them.
• If I go down two sizes, I'll be back in the "regular store", which btw, was the name of my old blog. I love that name..."The Regular Store"...because it represents what the original driver was for me. Maybe I'll change this to "The Regular Store Redux".
• I need to tell my Camryn Manheim story on here. Coming soon...
• My knees don't hurt nearly as badly as they used to, which I find kind of funny since everyone has told me how bad running is for your knees! I guess not as bad as carrying the extra weight around.
• People telling me they're proud of me is almost as important as hearing compliments about the weight loss...maybe more...I guess this circles back around to what I said about the volumes I could write about my mom and the baggage. See how I did that? See how it's all connected? haha.
• I wonder if I can motivate myself to run the bridge run next year (10K)? That also makes me laugh since I haven't even managed a 5k yet!

Better Running and Progress

I went back out and did the run again yesterday morning and I did a lot better. Still had to stop and walk in three places, but made it further before I did...AND I made it up the big hill (of course, after that, I died and had to walk a while). I still have a long way to go and just about three weeks to do it. AHHH!! I'd be lying if I didn't admit I was scared about it.

I didn't get to go to the WW meeting this week, due to a meeting, but I weighed myself in at 207. So, next week could either be really good or really bad, depending on how different the two scales are! I guess time will tell. Lots of eating out and drinking with friends this week, so we'll see how I manage it all!

Start 227.8
Current 207

Total 20.8

Worst run ever.

Saturday afternoon, after getting back in town from son #2's soccer games, I decided I wanted to try to run the route for the 5k I'm scheduled to run at the beginning of May. I should've seen the red flags. I should've known this was a bad idea.

First, my legs were really tired after standing on the side of a soccer field for three hours earlier in the day. I think they were sore from running the night before, but they just weren't well rested and they ached.

Second, I printed the route and decided to drive it first so I knew where I was going without having to refer to a map while running. It took me an HOUR to figure it out. All because there's one little part of the run that is on a foot path and I had no way to know that I couldn't drive it. So, I spent a HUGE amount of time trying to find a road that didn't exist. By the time I finally figured it all out, it was almost dinner time, I was cranky and tired, and had pretty much lost my motivation. And, running for me, more than anything, is a mind game.

THEN, I parked my car at my office and set off. But, I had my huge set of keys, my cell phone, by route map, my ipod...and it was way too hot for my jacket that had the pocket to hold everything. So, around 1/4 mile into it, I peeled off the jacket and tied it around my waist. So, everything was jingling and hitting me in the rear end and the jacket kept sliding down my hips and I had to keep re-knotting it tighter, in hopes that it would stop sliding around.

I should've known. It just seemed doomed from the beginning. I think I ran too fast. I think it was hotter than I'm used to. I think my brain was screwing with my motivation. I took a wrong turn and ran down two dead-end roads. I had to stop and walk before I was even a mile in. Then, I alternated between running and walking the rest of the way. It was just awful. Seriously. The worst run I've had since I started. And it was bad that I picked the one day that I ran that route to have a bad day. It totally messed up my confidence in my ability to be able to run it in just three short weeks.

Sigh. I'm going to try again tomorrow morning. Hopefully, that will be better.

I love Wii Fit!

My first "reward" for weight loss came at the 15 lb. mark. I've set up different milestone rewards as little mini-goals. Most are for # lbs. lost, but some are things like finishing my first 5k (first weekend of May!!!), going down pants sizes, etc. Anyway, my first reward was buying wii fit and I LOVE IT! I've been trying to run every other day and then, on my "off" days, I've been spending at least 30 minutes on wii fit.

It's become quite the family competition, constantly trying to knock eachother out of first place on the different activities. I've learned I stink at the strength exercises, but I'm pretty good at the balance and really good at the aerobics (must be all of the running I'm doing) and surprisingly good at the yoga. I have to say, I'm way too hyper for yoga to hold my attention for long, but it does feel good to stretch my sore legs after running. And I get a good laugh at myself when I do the hula hoops! Last night, I unlocked boxing and I think it's my favorite so far!

I've been discovering new weight loss blogs, too! Adding the links to the left side of the page so I can have easy access. It's great motivation for me to pop over and spend some time on one of these sites when I'm feeling a little weak in the motivation area! These folks are a real inspiration to me.

I am not good at this blogging thing...

I keep thinking I'm going to do better at keeping up with this...


I was terrified of this week's weigh in because I drank like a college student this week, ate out countless times...I have beeen running, but last week, I only ran twice due to the weather and my knee hurting. So, fearfully, I climbed on the scale and was DOWN 1.4 pounds! I could hardly believe it. Deep inside, I think it was the clothes I was wearing. It was a really warm day and my clothes probably weighed half as much as normal. But, I just need to remember that at the next weigh in if things don't seem to go my way.


Running - up to 2.8 miles! WITH the hurt knee! Sooooo, sooooo proud of myself on that front. I expect I'll hit three miles within the next week (just in time for the 5k the first week of May) and I might burst into tears when I do!


Start 227.8
Current 208.6

Total 19.2