Snap out of it!!!

I know I've been pretty sketchy in my updates lately, but something about the fact that nobody reads it, keeps me kind of lazy! haha. I write mainly for myself, but sometimes it's lonely to dump things on here and know they are going into some cosmic, virtual black hole. I do need to remind myself, however, that the main benefit is getting it here in writing so I can look back at it later to 1)see how far I've come and 2)do a little self-analysis. Some of the healthiest times in my life have been when I'm journaling and rereading my entries. This is just an online version of the same.

So, it's been around a month and I haven't lost a single pound. I may have even gained a couple. Truth is, I'm doing pretty well if I were trying to maintain my weight - I'm exercising regularly, I'm making reasonably smart food decisions (allowing for a treat or splurge here and there...). But, I'm NOT doing what I need to do to lose weight. I'm not doing a good job of tracking. I've settled back into my post-dinner snacking (late night eating really just needs to go away altogether). I allow myself to partake in some family favorites that I was really disciplined about staying away from at the beginning of this journey.

It is time to snap out of it!
NO MORE EATING AFTER DINNER. You're not hungry. You're bored. You're like a freakin' drug addict at night, just waiting for M to go to bed so you can pour a little bowl of cereal or eat a few starbursts. Nothing huge or that bad in and of itself...it's more about the REASON for eating than the actual eating. You do not need to eat when you're not hungry. Period. Wasted calories.

I ran a few miles last night during C's soccer practices, then went home and undid all of the good work in just a single bowl of late night cereal. That could have been 300 calories towards losing weight.

I needed this today...

okay, not the part about the food, but the part about the running...

http://eatliverun.com/reader-beware-long-rant-ahead/#comments

5k v.2

I ran in a last minute 5k this past weekend. Not prepared and not sure I could even run 3 miles. I've had a heck of a time getting my mileage back up after my calf injury a few months ago. However, when I got the email from my friend, M, at the beginning of last week, I felt compelled to say "sure!" Last time, my goal was to run the whole thing without walking any of it. I accomplished that goal! This time, I wasn't as confident about running the whole thing, but my goal was to finish it in less time than my last one (a speedy 40.22 haha).

It was a hilly, calf-achingly, difficult run, but I did it! Chip time was 39.11 (which allowed me to officially say I beat my last time, although not by much! :) I walked a few of the hills, but I walked quickly. I think my pacing was a problem...ran the first mile WAY too quickly and never was able to really recover. Didn't help that the whole last half was uphill (or maybe it just felt that way!).

5k #2 is behind me and I'm going to work towards the next one - RFTC on October 3. I've found that having a race on the calendar keeps me motivated. Right now, however, my calves and shin splints are so sore, I can't imagine going out to run. I'll give myself another day or two to rest, then hit the pavement again! This is a little addictive.

On the weight front, I think I've gained a few pounds in the last few weeks. I've been very bad about tracking...so, this week, back on the tracking bandwagon...ugh. So sick of doing that.

New Pics

I've added photos to my picture page...

blah

I am just so sad. I feel trapped and I just want out.

weight is fine...down to 192 and doing well on ww and running. my issues are unrelated.

so down.

I heart Ann Taylor LOFT

Why? Because it's the first REGULAR store in many, many years that I have walked into, picked things off the rack, tried them on, and bought them. Not a plus size. Not a "missus" size. A regular size (albeit XL) that I tried on and things fit. And I liked them. And I bought them. To most people, this doesn't seem like a big deal, but to me, it's huge. So huge, in fact, that my last blog was called "The Regular Store" because my big goal at the time was to fit in clothes at the regular stores. So, it was quite the milestone for me.

I haven't been writing much and I've been trying to figure out why. I've been doing fine on my weight loss - it's coming off very slowly, but it's still coming off. I've been doing okay on my running - not as great as I'd like it to, but I'm still getting out there three or four times a week and I'm planning on running in another 5k race in October. I think I'm not writing mainly because I don't think anyone else reads this. When I'm writing for myself, it's mainly to capture progress or to write things down that are weighing on me and I just haven't had that much that I need to say to myself. If I thought others were reading, I'd be more likely to pop in and say "Just wanted to say hi! I'm doing fine and I hope you are."

So, if there's anyone out there, "Hi! I'm doing fine and I hope you are." If noone is out there, then to me, "Good job, girl! I knew you could do it and we'll keep going back to LOFT to celebrate the success!"

YUM

N saw a commercial the other day that talked about sticking a Yoplait Whips! yogurt (3WW points) into the freezer. So, we grabbed a few of my key lime pie yogurts and gave it a shot. SO YUMMY. It's like having an ice cream treat, but it's healthy, low in points and guilt-free! Great idea, Yoplait!!! Gotta try some other flavors in there...I'm thinking the chocolate might be a good one...

BTW...we tried it with the non-whipped kind and it didn't work well...too icy.

Up to Date...

Wow. I can't believe it's been this long since I've written. Part of it that there were a few weeks off from WW. WW weigh in days tend to be my reminder to write something. Without the weigh ins, I guess I'm forgetful. Honestly, I haven't officially weighed in since the last time on here. I think my weight has held steady. I don't think I've lost, but I don't think I've gained either. Had a couple of not-so-great food weeks, but have been very active and I think the activity has kept the weight in check.

We went on vacation...super-activity vacation....Carowinds one day, hiking in the mountains the next...17 mile bike ride down the Virginia Creeper trail...rafting on the New River. Finished off with a trip to my in-laws for my FILs 80th birthday! It was a crazy busy, crazy fun week. Lots of calories burned and lots of calories consumed! So, I started fresh on Sunday when we returned. I've been tracking and running every day. Not long distances, but I got a Nike + for my birthday (also last week) and I've been playing with it in the evenings! I LOVE IT!!! Every night, I plan to gradually increase my distance until I've worked back up to 3 miles. Hopefully, it won't take too long to get back. Meanwhile, my calf is doing great. I seem to have mild shin splints right now, but it's manageable and not nearly like the calf strain problem from the past few months!


I guess I've discovered two immensely important things this past week. All of a sudden, it's occurred to me that I feel confident I can continue this weight loss journey without WW. All of a sudden, I just kind of "get it". I know when I'm doing well; I know when I'm not doing so well; I know what to eat; I know when I need to regain control by tracking again; I know that exercise is key; I have a great support system around me. It's like the bulb switched on and I realize I can do this. Forever. For real. Let me stop for a moment and absorb that.

Okay.

The other realization is how much better shape I'm in this year. Last year, we went for a hike in the mountains with my brother and his family. Climbing that mountain just about killed me. I truly lagged behind and I felt like I must have had the Biggest Loser cameras following me. In fact, that's the only way I was able to keep going - I pretended the TBL cameras were on me and I was doing one of their challenges. I stopped to rest a zillion times, was woefully out of breath and miserable. I just wanted to cry. I came home from that trip feeling like such a failure and such a loser that I had let myself get into such a bad condition. I, to this day, believe that was a turning point for me. It took me almost six more months to kick into gear, but that day had a huge impact on me. Fastforward to this year, I may not have run up the mountain, but I stayed the same pace as my kids (last year, they raced ahead of me). M lagged behind ME this time! Although I felt bad for him because I know how that feels, I had a smile on my face the whole time. I managed the climb relatively easily and I fel tremendously proud of how far I've come. I may still have a long way to go, but it was one of those "look back and see where I came from" kind of moments. It was awesome.

Red, White, Blue and Vodka

I had a great fourth of July weekend - did really well on food, but drank my points in vodka! We did our annual Mt. Pleasant/IOP trip and I was proud of the eating. However, the drinking was unbelievable. The first night, I did cranberry pomagranite with vodka, but wisened up the next day, stopping to buy diet tonic. A little lime and lots of crushed ice - yum!

Running has been going really well. Still not going far, but what I lack in distance, I'm making up for in consistency. The distance will come. And so far, the calf feels great!

Start 227.8
Current 197.8

Total 30

Long Time, No Write...

It's been a long time. I've been in such a funk and, in the past, that was when I wanted to write the most. But, this time...not so much.

Anyway, I'm back on track - mentally and physically. There has been a lot going on.

mentally - still not where I need/want to be.
physically - my calf is feeling great and I've been able to slowly start building up my running efforts again!

I didn't think the day would ever come when I would say that is a relief. I've never enjoyed exercising, but my relationship with it has really changed. I still don't like it. I don't know that I ever will. I do, however, LOVE how it makes me feel. Physically, I feel strong and like a part of the world. Rather than driving by runners and thinking to myself how much I wish that were the kind of person I am. I AM that person. Sometimes, when I'm running, I visualize some person driving by, seeing me, and wishing they were the one out there. It makes me feel strong and it makes me feel proud.

Mentally, my hope is that the running and the sense of pride I feel will make my mental focus better. I'll feel better about myself and will stay motivated. I've been doing an awful job tracking for WW. I don't think I'm making bad choices overall, but I really haven't been writing (or typing) it down. I need to work on that.

Start 227.8
Current 198.4

Total 29.4

Lance Honey Buns

Why is it that an office full of women CONSTANTLY has unhealthy food in the break room? I really don't understand it. We talk about health and wellness constantly. We have a wellness coordinator that is incredibly high profile at work (who works in our department). There are at least two of the seven of us on WW. Yet...every time I walk in the break room there is a box of Lance Honey Buns or home made banana bread or muffins. It's like a constant test of my will. I do pretty well at avoiding them, but it's almost like this unspoken sabotage - or at least it feels that way. I always get "Oh, I'm sorry Ellen" as people are taking their turns heating them up in the microwave. It's not my business and people get to make their own choices about what they feed their bodies. The odd thing is I don't even WANT one. I'm not sure why it bothers me so. Here's what I think...I've been stalled at this weight for quite a while - I avoid those nasty empty calories and I feel like I'm doing a reasonably good job focusing on health and nutrition. Yet...the weight isn't coming off. These other ladies are eating that junk and don't seem to have to pay a price for it. I realize I sound like a twelve year old and I also realize the faulty logic in this, but I think it comes down to the fact that it's the good ol' green eyed monster in action. I'm jealous. It's as simple as that.

I've been really thinking about "Operation Beautiful" these past few days. I love the concept and I'm going to participate. I think trying to make every woman aware that beauty is more than what you see in the mirror is an important and valuable mission. However, I don't know how to make that leap myself. I know I judge myself by what I see in the mirror and what I see on the scale. I know I do it, I just don't know how to stop. I'm just hoping by participating in the project that some of it will wear off on me as well! Then, it'd be successful on multiple levels!

I'm frustrated and I'm tired...it's a frightening place to be.

Note to Self...

Snacking on Starburst fruit chews at 11:00pm does NOT help the weight loss efforts. Stop doing that.

No WI this week...

We didn't have a weigh in this week, so I'm assuming my weight to be the same and I'll capture the two week LOSS at the next weigh in. I feel good about the week - tracked well, did a pretty good amount of exercise, didn't eat out much. So, fingers crossed. I'm going to shoot for another week with the same goals and hopefully, it'll pay off Tuesday on the scale!

Frustration and Injury

I'm in a funk. I've been trying to deny it, but it's in front of me, clear as day. Funkiness. Blahs. Annoyance.

Funkiness #1 - I can't seem to get past this calf injury. I know I need to call the doctor and get it checked out, but I'm sure I'm going to be put on a "running hiatus" when I do. I know it's important to rest it in order to heal, but here's the thing. I've spent my whole life hating exercise. I've tried the gym-rat approach. I've tried bike riding. I've tried swimming. I've tried walking. I've tried yoga. I've just never clicked with any of those things. I've even tried running before. For some reason, this time, running has clicked. I've enjoyed it more than I ever have. The feeling of accomplishment I got when I finished that 5k was enough to keep me coming back for more. It's not that I love it while I'm doing it, but I love the way it makes me feel afterwards - physically and emotionally. I feel proud. I feel energized. I love the way it helps those pounds go down. And now that I've discovered that, I don't want to give it up. It's really depressing. So, last night while running with N, I came to the conclusion that I really do need to call the doctor. It's been going on too long and it's clearly not improving on it's own, despite all of my efforts with ice, ibuprofen, massage, stretching, heat, etc... it's depressing.

Funkiness #2 - I clearly have hit a plateau in WW - I'm been hovering around the same weight for quite a while (or at least it feels that way to me). This week, I've been the model weightwatcher. I've tracked EVERYTHING. I've done some sort of exercise every day. I've eaten all of my points, but haven't gone over even one day. I'm eating all of my veggies and keeping refined sugar to a minimum. I'm drinking a ton of water!!! I know I shouldn't get on the scale during the week (WI is on Tuesdays), but I stepped on this morning before I got in the shower and NOTHING HAS CHANGED. I've scoured my tracker to see what needs to change, but I'm mirroring my foods from a good week and I really don't see what's wrong. ARGH.

Any ideas for snapping out of a rut? I'm all ears....

New Week

My WI this week was not anything to write about. I'm up less than a pound, but it's still UP. I've been tremendously lucky that a gain hasn't happened much since I started this and, when it has, it's been minimal. I want to use it to jumpstart me into focus again. A couple of things...

1. I haven't been doing great with my tracking and that changes starting today. I am committed to tracking everything this week to see if it helps.
2. I am committing to doing at least one active thing every single day this week. That doesn't mean hard core exercise, but I want to run at least three times (if the sore calf allows...can't believe it's still bothering me).
3. I am committing to cut out all after dinner snacking. This isn't a huge one for me...I don't eat much after dinner normally, but those little bites here and there add up.

We'll see how it goes.

Start 227.8
Current 199.6

Total 28.2

Tuesday: Went running
Wednesday: Hand weights, leg lifts
Thursday: Went running

New Kicks!

I had the best time at the running store today. It was really great to have someone help me figure out what I really need to be able to run comfortably (and hopefully without calf issues). Apparently, I have a moderate pronation and pretty flat arches and the shoes I had - although great running shoes - weren't the right ones for me! It was kind of intimidating to go in there, and embarrassing to run back and forth in all of the different shoes in front of the store! However, now that I've had that experience, I can't imagine doing it another way. They were so helpful and it didn't hurt that they happened to be having a 15% off sale!

Tomorrow, I get to break in the new ones...hopefully, all will go well and my leg issues will be resolved!

OK Go!

Here we go, here we go, here we go again....

I can't get that song out of my head. I think I need to download it to my ipod so I can run to it. I got under 200 and I've been eating like a horse ever since. What the hell is wrong with me? ACK.

The last three days have been horrendous on the eating front. Just writing that makes me laugh because I've been really good compared to what I would have eaten BWW (before weight watchers...), but for somebody trying to lose weight, it's been awful. I've had wine (several glasses), I've had calamari (fried, nonetheless), I've had a veggie grinder (no mayo, but lots of cheese), and I can't think of what else because I haven't written it down! I've just about blown every one of my 35 extra points and it's only Friday night. I better be good for the rest of the week just to maintain this week. Otherwise, I'll go right back over that "2" ledge.

Tomorrow, I'm going to the running store to get fitted for a new pair of kicks. My calf is feeling good and I'm ready to get back out there and run! Hopefully, that's what I need to run pain-free and I can hit the road. If I can run every day, no matter how short the distance, between now and Tuesday, I may salvage this horrible week!

Pause a moment and enjoy...

I went into my WW meeting this week hoping to hang on by my fingernails. This week was full of celebrations - my 15th anniversary, C's birthday...I knew I had done as well as I could, but I also knew that I had gone to Melting Pot, I had a piece of icecream cake, I had several glasses of wine, I had a spoonful of mac-n-cheese. I had tried hard to compensate and plan for all of these, but let's just say, I wasn't expecting much from the WI. I went in thinking if I can hold on through May, then I can start June fresh and do better.

Well, imagine my surprise when I got on the scale and was DOWN 1.4 pounds! CRAZY. 1.4 is what I consider to be reasonably good for a normal week. But, this week....wow. I'm a little in shock. I still can't run (although now it's more about my crazy sore foot than my calf strain issue)...I've walked some, but not enough that I consider it real exercise.

But, here's the bigger thing. It takes me down to the "1s". I've been stuck above 200 for so long, I began to think I wasn't going to ever make it happen. The 1s. I haven't had a 1 in front of my weight since BEFORE N was born. That's over 10 years ago. Thinking about this day, I thought I'd be more emotional. I thought I'd really stop my world for a while and savor the moment. But, truth is, it took me around an hour to even really realize the significance of this WI. I still have so far to go, but I really need to make myself pause for a moment and enjoy my accomplishment. It's a quiet celebration. I've not told anyone in my family how much I weighed when I started, so nobody knows to celebrate with me and I'm really okay with that. My kids are dying to know how much I weigh, but I've been so ashamed of that number, that all I've said is "when I'm done losing weight, I'll tell you what the number was. Until then, it's my secret." They don't really understand why I won't share it and I don't have a good explanation, but I really think it has a lot to do with the embarassment I feel that I let my weight get away from me that far. I'm starting to see myself again when I look in the mirror. Or, more accurately, it's the self that I think I still saw at my heaviest, but other people didn't see.

I have a pile of clothes in the corner of my room. Every time I go to put something on and it's too big, I take it off and put it in that stack. It'll be my "give away" stack. It's not a huge stack yet, which is weird since I've lost almost 30 pounds...I've really only gone down a size or two. But, I feel like I'm on the cusp of that stack getting much larger. Today, I'm wearing a pair of cropped pants I've had for years that have always fit, although not always well. Today, they're pretty big on me. They still fit, but another five pounds and they won't.

So, this is a long entry to say I know I still have a long way to go, but today's WI is important in the fact that it seals my belief that I can do it. I've come this far. I can continue. And, for now...I'm going to pause a moment and enjoy it.

Start 227.8
Current 199.4

Total 28.4

Well hello there, collar bones!

It's really the small things that I've been noticing as I've been stalled around the same weight for a while. First, it was the looseness of my rings. They are spinning around my finger again during the course of the day, which hasn't happened in ages.

Today, I noticed my collar bones. When I was younger, my collar bones were one of my favorite features. Not sure why, really, but I just find visible collarbones kind of sexy. Not skeletal, no meat on the bones, visible...just visible. They've been hidden under layers of fat for a while and well, hello there, collarbones - you're back! Yay.

Not a great weight loss week, but I wasn't expecting it to be. I'm still out on the running front, so exercise has been minimal. Just a few bike rides here and there. M's birthday and some pretty lax tracking has shown itself to be true weight retainers. However, I only gained .2, so I actually am okay with that. Refocusing today. Drinking lots of water and need to stop any after-dinner snacking. I have my anniversary this week and C's birthday. So, it may be another low productivity week, but mentally, I'll be back on track!

Start 227.8
Current 200.6

Total 27.2

Wasted Anxiety

I was nervous that enough people wouldn't sign up...there were.
I was nervous that the two weeks without a meeting was going to do me in...it didn't.

Start 227.8
Current 200.4

Total 27.4

So, I didn't see the "1" this week. Although, when I weighed myself on my own scales, it shows more like 198. However, I'm considering the WW scale the "official" scale, so it looks like one more week in the "2"s...but then, I'm done with those forever! I can't believe I'm even saying that.

Nervous

Tomorrow is the first day of a new 17 week session of WW at work. Assuming, we have two additional people sign up...in order for us to get the group off the ground, we need to have 15 people. As of today, we only had 13 confirmed, but two more said they'd be there. If those two people don't show up, check in hand, they'll cancel the session.

I'm nervous. I'm nervous because I REALLY want to get another session going. I lost around 25 pounds in the last 17 week session and the convenience of having it during lunch time at the office is HUGE for me. It makes me follow through and it's convenient to have it at lunch instead of trying to find time in the evenings during the week to get over there. I'm nervous because it's been two weeks since our last meeting and I have no idea how I've done. I don't think I've gained any weight, but I really don't think I've lost either. Which just illustrates that much more why I need these sessions. I'm not nearly as effective on my own. Especially with the running hiatus. The calf issue has really put a cramp (haha...pardon the pun) in my exercise efforts. I know I need to find another aerobic outlet if I can't run, but I can't think of anything appealing that doesn't hurt my leg. I hate to swim. Bike riding isn't nearly as convenient. I love the ease of throwing on my running shoes and walking out the front door. It just works for me. Even walking is tough on my leg right now.

So, here I am a bundle of nerves. Wish me luck.

Camryn Manheim or "the story of what made me do this..."

Look at her. I remember back in the day, I loved when she was on LA Law and I loved her in The Practice. Those are really the only two shows that I remember her from. She represented the epitome of a larger woman who had confidence, talent, humor, and what appeared to be a true love of herself just the way she is. When I saw her in interviews (haven't seen her in a while, hence the past tense), she always seemed witty and smart and stylish. I admired her. All of this is to say, I like Camryn Manheim as an actress and a personality on tv and I always thought she'd be pretty fun to hang out with. This story, although it will sound that way, isn't a criticism of her. Not at all.

Fast forward. Around three years ago, I was in San Diego at a conference with my boss. He and I were pretty good friends socially and it was at the end of a day. We were on a boat, enjoying quite a few cocktails at the expense of one of our vendors who took around 150 people out for a dinner/drinks cruise around San Diego. It was a lovely evening...the food was good...the drinks were better...and the company was nice. I was in a great mood. And then it happened. My boss, very innocently, told me that he always thought I reminded him of Camryn Manheim. Pause. At the time, I had very long hair (see picture) and, in retrospect, I was probably about the same size (bigger than this picture, which I'm sure is a bit photoshopped). Because of the way I've always felt about Camryn Manheim, I could've taken it as a compliment. Could have. However, I was not confident and stylish. I didn't see myself as witty and smart (okay, maybe smart...but not particularly witty). I wasn't a talented actress. So, all I could relate it to was my size. No matter how accurate he may have been, I DIDN'T SEE MYSELF THAT WAY. I think I had myself convinced that I wasn't that large. In my head, I still saw myself as the athletic, thin girl from high school and college (who, ironically, always thought of herself as fat back then, but that's a post for another day). I remember my mood deflating like a pin to a balloon. I excused myself and went into the bathroom, closed the stall and cried like a baby. I sucked it up and pretended to be fine the rest of the night (after I pulled myself together), but went back to my hotel room that night and cried myself to sleep. I went back to the office the following week, printed a copy of the picture above and hung it on the bulletin board in my office. I covered it with another paper so nobody knew it was there. But I knew. And I'd look at it every day. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I thought it would motivate me.

Fast forward again. That picture is still on my bulletin board at work. It never did motivate me to get off my butt and do something, but it sure did give me lots to think about and caused me to shed many tears. Anytime I'm running now and I want to stop, one of the things that goes through my mind is "camryn manheim...camryn manheim...". I know my old boss would be horrified to know how many tears I've cried over an innocent comment...but it really shook me to my core. It was one of those defining moments that humbled me and put me in my place. Made me open my eyes to realize what others see when they look at me. I still can't believe I let myself do that to my body. I can't change any of that now, but I can make a difference going forward. I've had other "defining moments", but this is the one I think about the most. To Camryn, wherever she is... I feel like I should thank you.

funk and cranky pants

I've looked back through pages of this and it seems like the content I've been putting on here is pretty superficial and light. My old blog covered so many serious and depressing topics, I got sick of hearing myself whine. Reason number one for getting rid of it last year. I didn't want to be that person who spends her time whining to total strangers on the Internet. That blog had a lot of regular readers and comments from folks and I always felt like I was fishing for "atta girls" and compliments every time I wrote anything sad. I may have gone too far the other way this time, to the point that I'm not really saying anything at all. I have been journaling (in the "drafts" of my email at work) about things that are really bothering me until I figure out a way to strike a balance on here. I know that nobody is reading this one...which sometimes makes me a little sad and lonely...and sometimes is freeing...so, technically, I'm writing for myself. I guess that means that writing it on here is really no different than in the drafts of my email. So, maybe I'll figure out a way to branch out.

The problem with that is it diverts me from my original purpose - to have a place to track my weight loss and fitness efforts. NOT to be my own personal self-therapy couch. I realize the mental aspects of all of this are integrally related to the weight issues, so I guess it's all related. I just don't want to spend my time on here whining. I just have a lot on my mind. I've been in a funk and have had my "cranky pants" on. I am feeling nostalgic and lonely. I've not wanted to be around my super-supportive, but sometimes exhausting and irritating husband. My parents moving to town make me feel crowded and judged and obligated and I hate that. My kids demand more of my time and attention that I feel able to give. I long for time alone. I really wish I wasn't trapped in my job. I feel used and taken advantage of and disappointed by many of my friends. Ugh. I feel like if I start writing about any of these, the flood gates will open and I'll get totally off track. Maybe I'll tackle one or two of these, but if I want it to stay focused on running and weight watchers, I need to keep it in check. Next post is going to be my Camryn Manheim story.

Spinning out of control...

Ahhhhh...I just reread my last post and it makes me a little sick. There's no way in hell that I'll see that "1" this week. It's been a bad week, food wise, so far. I know I have until Tuesday's weigh in, but it's hard to see it happening. Tomorrow is a new day and I really need to refocus and get back on track. I haven't been tracking at all the last few days. Add to that my lack of running and it doesn't make for a good combination!

Too much eating out and not enough exercise. Bad.

Why do I sabotage myself like this?

"2"

I'm thinking that next week is going to be a significant one for me. I wrote yesterday about the "2" at the front of my weight and how I've been hovering around 200 for quite some time. Looking at my loss chart, it really hasn't been that long -it just FEELS like it's been a long time. I just weighed myself on the scale in our office and it said 201. That means, if things go well this coming week, next week could be a huge milestone for me. It's been so long since I've seen a "1" at the front of that number that I can't even remember how long it's been.

I distinctly remember being in the Dr's office when pregnant with my first son and the first time I stood on that scale and it said "186". I'm not sure why that day stands out in my mind, but I remember thinking...wow..I've really gained a lot of weight with this pregnancy. Second pregnancy, I don't think I weighed that much at top weight. I had lost a lot of weight between pregnancies and I think I maxed out at 180 the second time. Then, I just never lost weight after son #2 was born. I gradually gained over the next 10 years until I ended up where I was in January. It really horrifies me that I let myself get so out of control in the past decade. I'm so glad that I'm finally grabbing ahold of it and making some significant change and I truly believe that once I get that "1" back, I'll never see "2" again.

Start 227.8
Current 201

Total 26.8

Ugh and Ugh

Ugh #1 - my calf is really killing me today. Good news is that it's raining pretty hard, so it's doubtful I'll convince myself to run through it tonight. I'm really at a loss as to what to do. I've finally gotten myself into an exercise routine and I'm terrified that giving myself too long of a break is going to push me right back into my sloth-like tendencies again. I hate to swim. I've been riding my bike a lot, but I just don't feel like I get the same kind of workout. We rode the 5k route yesterday afternoon, and it just isn't the same. I'm really hopeful that new shoes will do the trick, but I can't get over there until Sunday, so I'm not sure how to trudge through this week.

Ugh #2 - I have been hovering around the magic 200 mark for several weeks now. I don't consciously feel like I'm sabotaging myself, but I can't seem to get that "1" in front of my number. In my head, I know that if I EVER get there, I'll never see a "2" at the front again. I know that now and I'm proud of that. HOWEVER, getting there seems to be a real issue for me. The WW at work program is on hiatus, so I'm on my own while we try to recruit new folks for another 17 week round. Scheduled, tentatively, to start back up on 5/19. I'm determined that on that first official weigh in, the 1 is there. I hope I can do this on my own for the next few weeks. I'm going to weigh myself as normal tomorrow at home, but my scale doesn't have the accuracy that the WW scale has. So, I'll just have to do my best with it.

I'm a nervous wreck. And I'm hungry. Not a good combination!

Back at it...

So, the calf still hurts. Hard to believe after a full week of rest. Tonight, I decided I wanted to get back out there and run...My husband, M, and my younger son, N, decided they wanted to go with me. M really wants to start running, so I thought we could start the c25k over again. It would help him get started and would help me ease the leg back into exercise. It amazed me how much better shape I'm in this time around. I barely was even breathing hard. Amazing. I did run a faster pace, despite my leg pain.

I think I'm going to go to the running store next weekend and get fitted for new shoes. Maybe the leg pain is due to the wrong shoes. if that doesn't resolve the pain, I don't know what else to do! Fingers crossed!

We had fun - the three of us out running. We've picked out another 5k to run - a night run in a nearby town on July 17th. It'd be so cool if the whole family could do it!

Reflection

So…I figure it’s time that I sit and really try to collect my thoughts about the race. I’ve had such an overwhelming swirl of emotions – from disappointment, to pain, to adrenaline, to relief, to sheer pride and happiness, that it’s been kind of difficult to put it in writing. Although I think I’m the only one who ever reads this site, it’s important to me that I try to get it down so I can reflect on it later. If there is anyone reading this, my apologies for the length!

7:00am – a nervous wreck. I wake up and I’m the only one in the house that’s awake. M and N are still asleep, but they’ll be getting up soon to go to Winston for a soccer tournament. C is still asleep, but he’ll be getting up soon to go to Fayetteville for his tournament (being pawned off on a friend since I’m running in the race and M is going with N). I’m so nervous, I don’t want coffee and I really don’t want to eat. I had planned to eat oatmeal and a banana, but opted for two fiber one muffins instead. Probably not the breakfast of champions, but it’s all I can stomach. I fill up a thing of water, hit the road. I parked at the office so I could run in and use the bathroom before I head down the street to sign in and get my chip/number. I find L, my running partner/coach, and we slowly head over to the start of the race. One of the drawback/advantages of running a race a block from my campus (office) is that I know WAY too many people. From the volunteers, to the runners, to the people there to cheer…I knew tons of people. That’s great in terms of having a cheering squad, but for a new runner like me it’s a bit intimidating. At the start line, they sent a lot of the younger runners to the back of the pack (where I had conveniently placed myself so as not to get in anyone’s way…) This drove me nuts because it meant I was going to have to deal with dozens of 8-10 year olds flying past me during the first mile. L pointed out, and accurately so in retrospect, that we would pass many of them further down the road as they burn out from sprinting too fast at the start.

8:30 – the race. It was an overcast and VERY humid day. But, the temperature was good – not too hot. The first mile was okay, the second mile was brutal (it includes a half-mile uphill stretch), and the third mile just about killed me. I felt like I was moving very slowly and I really was having trouble keeping my breathing in control. There’s a steep uphill at the end of the first mile and it took me all the way to the huge hill in mile two to regain breath control. I was so thankful for L, who spent a good part of the second half of the race, reminding me to breath in and out deeply and to banish all negative thoughts. I think there were around three points along the way that I would’ve stopped if she hadn’t been running with me. The last stretch of mile three is a straight shot up the final road, so once I turned onto that road, I knew I’d finish…even if it did kill me. There’s no way I’d make it to the last road and then walk. I felt the adrenaline kick in and L kept saying, “you’re really speeding up and you don’t have to do that. Slow and steady.” All I could think of was, “the faster I run, the sooner this will be over!” 

9:10ish – the finish line. So, I’m slow. I know that. And, truthfully, I’m okay with it. I really want to be faster and that will be my next goal. But, considering my calf was strained (I felt no pain, by the way…I guess the adrenaline really masked the pain because I’ve been hurting really badly ever since) and it was my first race, I’m content. The official time of 40.22 was my personal best. Significantly. My best prior time was 44.14, so although I felt like I was going slowly, I guess I wasn’t going as slowly as I felt! I didn’t come in last place. I was relieved it was over. I was proud that I did it without walking a step (thanks, in large part to my running partner/coach/conscience haha). I, quite honestly, was amazed with myself that I did it. And, most importantly, I finished something I started. That probably means more to me than any other part of it. I notoriously start and don’t finish everything in my life…projects around the house, losing weight, tasks at work…you name it…it’s been a thorn in my side my whole life. This was symbolic to me in the sense that I’ve proven to myself that I can do it. I can finish what I set out to do.

I didn’t lose a pound this week. In fact, I gained .6 It just didn’t matter. I accomplished a much bigger goal this week and I wouldn’t trade it for a pound or two to save my life. I’ll lose weight this week. In fact, I’ve got more focus this week than I have in a while. And all because of that one 5k race. I’ve given myself a week off. My leg needs a chance to heal and I need a chance to set a new goal. I think I’ve got my sites on a nighttime run in July in a nearby town. Another 5k where, hopefully, I can get a better time. My runner friends tell me it’s addictive. I wouldn’t go that far yet, but I do think I’ll be ready to get back out there and run some more in a few more days. That in and of itself is huge to me…the fact that I WANT to get back out there and run some more. Crazy.

It wasn't fast. It wasn't pretty. But, I did it.

Official time was 40.22, but this was snapped with a cell phone as we crossed the finish line. I still need to put my thoughts about the run into a format that does it justice...but, for now, let me just say this.

I was not last.
I wasn't even last in my age group (almost, but not quite)!
I was 100 of 116 women.
I was 200 of 222 people.
It may have been slow, but it was my personal best time.

All in all, a day to be very proud.

Finish what I started...

It's the night before the run and I'm a nervous wreck. I know a 5k is - to most people - not a big deal and I'm sure my runner friends think it's nuts that I making it one. My family and friends have been so supportive while I've been working up to this and my facebook page tonight is full of great, "go-get-'em" and "we're proud of you" comments. I appreciate it so much, but I do feel a little silly. Almost child-like. Kind of like when you're potty training a toddler and they pee in the toilet for the first time..."good girl! way to go! I'm so proud of you! What a big girl!"

My leg is still killing me, I know I'll have trouble sleeping because I'm anxious, I'm terrified I won't be able to finish. I've tried, unsuccessfully, to convince myself that walking is okay...but, deep inside, I don't believe walking is okay. Truth be told, I'll be really disappointed if I have to walk any of it. I don't want to disappoint myself again. I want, for the first time, to finish what I started.

Ouch

I hurt all over. I really thought all of this exercise was supposed to make me feel better, but instead, I walk around like a 90 year old lady most of the time. While I was running last night, I was doing a mental inventory of all of my aches and pains. Started with right calf muscle...KILLING ME!!! Every step for the first half mile came with it a shooting pain through my calf. That stopped bothering me around that point - just in time for my right hip flexor to start its familiar twinging and pinging (just to remind me it's there...). That is a constant, dull pain throughout my run. My lower left back hurts while I run as well. Oh, and my left knee, if I don't place that foot down perfectly, catches (especially when running up hill). Ah, the joys of running. What is this "runner's high" that people talk about? Haha.

Eventually, my body settles in and the aches fade into the background...maily because I'm focused so much on trying to breathe!

By the end, I feel pretty good. I stretch well afterwards and take ibuprofen and ice the hip flexor while I stretch and watch tv. However, this morning, I woke up to some serious pain in my right calf. Not sure what's going on...Lots of stretching today, trying to make it feel better. With the run this Saturday, I don't want to start out in pain.

I swear, I'll be happy if I can convince my 90 year old body to ever run again after the 5k on Saturday! :)

Good Week

I lost three pounds this week, which is a little bizarre, really. I didn't run as much as normal, I ate pretty well, but no better than I normally do. I tracked, but slacked on the weekend (heheh...that rhymes). The ONE thing I can see that I did differently is that I only had ONE GLASS of wine this week. One glass on Saturday night. Maybe that was the difference, although I don't want that to be it because I really don't want to give up my wine!

I really don't seem to have a trend going, here. Hmmm....

Start 227.8
Current 203.6

Total 24.2

Maintaining...

Frustrating week on the WW front. I was dedicated to tracking...I cut out the jelly beans...I ran 4 times...and I didn't lose a pound. AHHH...

Oh, well...I'll keep on keepin' on and hopefully this week will be a little more productive. I'm only four pounds away from seeing a 1 at the beginning of my weight and I really want to get that in the next few weeks.

Start 227.8
Current 206.6

Total 21.2

Every picture tells a story...

I have avoided posting pictures out of some need for anonymity, but I think it's time I got over it. I haven't had the time to figure out how to create a photo page, so I'm going to just create this entry and can link back to it when I have new ones to post.

So...big sigh...here goes.

I started this enormous effort, weighing in at 227.8 (I still can't say that number out loud...shocking to me that I let myself get that large). This is me at my heaviest, right before my husband's company Christmas party.



When I look at this picture, I think about a couple of things...Wow. I felt horrible that night. I felt huge and frumpy and like I was dressed way older than my chronological age. Notice how I'm covering my stomach with my hand. I think I stood that way the majority of the night. My husband had to run to the store to grab something and I was left in the hotel room alone for a while. I had my camera and tried and tried to get a picture of myself that I liked to post on my FB page. Every picture I took looked horrible to me and I was almost in tears when he came back. I was embarrassed to tell him what I had been doing. The party was wonderful, his coworkers are great, and I was miserable the whole time.

Here is a close up of my face from that same night. If I look at my eyes, I can tell how unhappy I was. Look at the double chin. AHHHHHH!!! I hate these pictures.






Moving on...It wasn't long after that party that I decided to join WW. In February, we went to a fundraiser (another opportunity to dress up). At this point, I probably weighed around 218-220. I was actually feeling better about myself, although still having the "fattest girl in the room" complex. It's amazing what losing just 8 pounds will do for you. I had started running a little, had more energy, liked what I was wearing (I had the BEST shoes and I'm sorry you can't see them in this picture).







Here's the face close up from that same night. I don't really notice much of a difference in my face at this point.

This brings us to current. Unfortunately, I don't have any fun or fancy events to grab a nicely dressed picture...khakis will have to do. This is in my office this morning, weighing in at 206.

Funny...I think I look heavier in this picture than I did 15 pounds ago. Not a particularly flattering outfit, I suppose. Maybe I need to dress up and take a shot to see the real comparison. And straighten my hair. Yeah, that's it.









And finally, a face shot, taken this morning at 206. I can't wait until that double chin goes away and I can see my cheek bones again. Seems like my face is always the first thing to look thinner and I don't really notice it too much. Everyone else does, though. When I get comments, it's usually along the lines of "wow, your face looks totally different."

Okay, that's about all of this I can take for the day. I'll post new ones periodically just for fun.

Update to photo proof (on 9.7.09). I totally forgot to do it at 196 (30 pounds), so here I am at 192

It's not a good shot...black clothes on a black background, but it's the best I can do this morning.
and a face shot. Funny...I've lost around 35 pounds and when I look at these, I don't even notice much of a difference.

Sigh

Surrogate Family

When I started off on this journey to prepare to run a 5k, I had one driver that I kept stating as my main motivation. Anyone who asked me "why?" received the same standard answer..."I have spent more time than I care to admit, waiting at the finish line for family members to finish - camera in hand, cheering loudly, ready to hand over a bottle of water. I want, for once, to be the one being greeted - not doing the greeting."

Well, guess what? I will not have even one family member greeting me at the finish line on May 2nd. NOT ONE!!! I'd be lying if I didn't admit it kind of peeves me, but there's nobody to be mad at. Everyone has a great excuse. Youngest son has soccer games 1 1/2 hours away and my husband needs to take him. Older son has a game 3 1/2 hours away and we're pawning him off on a friend's family for the day. Parents will be on a cruise. Even my friend who was going to run with me has a conflict. So, no family waiting with camera in hand. Seriously, I was upset for a few days. I mean, this is a big deal to me...I've worked hard and I'm proud of myself and I will be EXCESSIVELY proud of myself if I finish it.

So, I've recruited a friend from work who will run with me, but I told her she needs to sprint the last 1/2 mile (she's a great distance runner who is going to take it slow to run with me) so that she can be at the finish line, camera in hand, cheering for me! She's a good friend and she'll happily oblige. For that, I am appreciative. As disappointed as I am that my family won't be there, I will not let it steal my joy from that accomplishment.

WW, Jelly Beans and Alcohol

Maybe I've discovered the jelly bean and wine diet. Somehow, despite the ridiculous amount of alcohol consumption and scarfing down more jelly beans than I care to admit, I managed to lose 2 pounds. I was so worried today due to all of that (plus the fact I was wearing REALLY light clothes at the last weigh in, which I thought caused an over estimation of my weight loss last time...so, I'm happy with the two!!!

Start 227.8
Current 206.6

Total 21.2

Three

I did it.
Still slow as hell.
But, I did it.

Analysis

I read these questions on another blog and I wanted to answer them over here so that I can reflect on them when I need to...

1. What types of food were you most likely to overeat?
I think it was mainly carbs and sugary things. I still have the tendency to eat candy. What's funny is that I was always able to say "no" to things like cookies, cakes and chips. We'd have stuff like that in the house and they'd eventually have to be thrown away because they'd go stale. For me, it's things like sweet tarts, hot tomales, sprees, mike and ikes...any fruity/chewy/sugary candy.

2. What times of day did you overeat most often?
Oh gosh...without hesitation, it is any time of day when I am alone. I tend not to eat too much when I have an audience, but late at night after everyone is in bed...or in the office in the morning before anyone comes in. Those are the "bewitching hours".

3. What feelings were you having most often when you overate?
Guilt. While I'm eating something that I know I shouldn't be, I generally feel guilty. Once I'm done, it's remorse. Why did I do that? or I can't believe I just ate that. Then I feel pretty helpless... why did I just do that? I can't believe I just did that, that was stupid. And then, anger. I get so mad at myself because I have such a lack of self-control.

4. Do you think you have a binge eating disorder?
No. Unless emotional eating is considered an eating disorder

5. What circumstances in your life do you believe contributed to your weight gain?I think there are quite a few reasons. I've always over-committed to other people and have always put everyone else before myself. I am basically a very lazy person, so flopping on the couch was always something preferable to working out. I grew up with a very critical mother, and never really felt good enough. I remember her making comments about my weight when I was a teenager and when I look at pictures from that time in my life - I WAS SKINNY!!! This maybe was a way to self-protect. A few bad breakups at inopportune times in my life really gave a hit to the old self esteem. Fear of failure. Oh, gosh...this list could go on and on forever.

6. Do you 'blame' anyone for your weight?
No. I'm the only one who picks up a fork and places it in my mouth. I'm the only one who chose to watch tv instead of going for a run or walk. There may be all kinds of circumstances, but I'm the one who made the choices.

7. What other behaviors made you overweight?
I think I covered many of them in #5.

8. Were you active or exercising while you gained weight?
Haha. NO! If I had been, I doubt I'd be answering these questions.

9. What made you finally want to change?
That list, by the way, continues to grow. In short...I want to be healthy, I want my knees to not hurt, I want to set a good example for my kids, I want to NOT be the fattest girl in the room, I want to weigh less than my husband, I want to stop being invisible, I want to shop in the regular stores, I want to enjoy shopping again, I want to wow people at my reunion in August, I want to hear somebody tell me that "you haven't changed a bit" instead of getting that silent gaze that I typically get when I haven't seen somebody in a long time, I want to beat my 13 year old in a 5k, I want to have more energy...I could keep typing all day.

Rambling Thoughts

I went out and ran the 5k route again today. It really is a beautiful run and I wish I could get all the way through it. Seems like the hills all hit at the wrong times! So, I still stopped and walked three times, but I shortened the walking and stretched the running. I just wouldn't let myself stop at the same places as last time...even if it was just ten steps further! And then, I started running again earlier than last time...even if it was just ten steps closer! :) Like I've said before, this is a mental game for me. All in all, I'm feeling pretty good about it. I have no idea if I can push myself to the full 5k in three weeks, but I need to figure out how to get okay with myself if I have to walk any of it. Right now, I'd be lying if I didn't admit I would feel a bit of failure if I have to walk. I've been working so hard for so long...I don't want to walk any of it!

Today, my mother commented on how much thinner my face is getting. Seems like a small thing and I could probably write several blog entries about my mom and the emotional baggage (which is probably why it WASN'T a small thing)...it was an important moment for me.

I went back and read through some of my old posts and it made me smile. I've come a long way in a relatively short time. It's good to reflect on it. Many of my initial goals are the same, and I'm a little closer to accomplishing some of them. I have a long way to go, but it was nice to reflect on the progress. A few other things I've noticed:

• I need to buy new jeans, which means I've technically gone down a size, but I don't want to spend the money. Primarily because I don't want to be in this size for long...so, I'm trying to decide if I just walk around in baggy jeans a little longer and then skip two sizes when I go to buy them.
• If I go down two sizes, I'll be back in the "regular store", which btw, was the name of my old blog. I love that name..."The Regular Store"...because it represents what the original driver was for me. Maybe I'll change this to "The Regular Store Redux".
• I need to tell my Camryn Manheim story on here. Coming soon...
• My knees don't hurt nearly as badly as they used to, which I find kind of funny since everyone has told me how bad running is for your knees! I guess not as bad as carrying the extra weight around.
• People telling me they're proud of me is almost as important as hearing compliments about the weight loss...maybe more...I guess this circles back around to what I said about the volumes I could write about my mom and the baggage. See how I did that? See how it's all connected? haha.
• I wonder if I can motivate myself to run the bridge run next year (10K)? That also makes me laugh since I haven't even managed a 5k yet!

Better Running and Progress

I went back out and did the run again yesterday morning and I did a lot better. Still had to stop and walk in three places, but made it further before I did...AND I made it up the big hill (of course, after that, I died and had to walk a while). I still have a long way to go and just about three weeks to do it. AHHH!! I'd be lying if I didn't admit I was scared about it.

I didn't get to go to the WW meeting this week, due to a meeting, but I weighed myself in at 207. So, next week could either be really good or really bad, depending on how different the two scales are! I guess time will tell. Lots of eating out and drinking with friends this week, so we'll see how I manage it all!

Start 227.8
Current 207

Total 20.8

Worst run ever.

Saturday afternoon, after getting back in town from son #2's soccer games, I decided I wanted to try to run the route for the 5k I'm scheduled to run at the beginning of May. I should've seen the red flags. I should've known this was a bad idea.

First, my legs were really tired after standing on the side of a soccer field for three hours earlier in the day. I think they were sore from running the night before, but they just weren't well rested and they ached.

Second, I printed the route and decided to drive it first so I knew where I was going without having to refer to a map while running. It took me an HOUR to figure it out. All because there's one little part of the run that is on a foot path and I had no way to know that I couldn't drive it. So, I spent a HUGE amount of time trying to find a road that didn't exist. By the time I finally figured it all out, it was almost dinner time, I was cranky and tired, and had pretty much lost my motivation. And, running for me, more than anything, is a mind game.

THEN, I parked my car at my office and set off. But, I had my huge set of keys, my cell phone, by route map, my ipod...and it was way too hot for my jacket that had the pocket to hold everything. So, around 1/4 mile into it, I peeled off the jacket and tied it around my waist. So, everything was jingling and hitting me in the rear end and the jacket kept sliding down my hips and I had to keep re-knotting it tighter, in hopes that it would stop sliding around.

I should've known. It just seemed doomed from the beginning. I think I ran too fast. I think it was hotter than I'm used to. I think my brain was screwing with my motivation. I took a wrong turn and ran down two dead-end roads. I had to stop and walk before I was even a mile in. Then, I alternated between running and walking the rest of the way. It was just awful. Seriously. The worst run I've had since I started. And it was bad that I picked the one day that I ran that route to have a bad day. It totally messed up my confidence in my ability to be able to run it in just three short weeks.

Sigh. I'm going to try again tomorrow morning. Hopefully, that will be better.

I love Wii Fit!

My first "reward" for weight loss came at the 15 lb. mark. I've set up different milestone rewards as little mini-goals. Most are for # lbs. lost, but some are things like finishing my first 5k (first weekend of May!!!), going down pants sizes, etc. Anyway, my first reward was buying wii fit and I LOVE IT! I've been trying to run every other day and then, on my "off" days, I've been spending at least 30 minutes on wii fit.

It's become quite the family competition, constantly trying to knock eachother out of first place on the different activities. I've learned I stink at the strength exercises, but I'm pretty good at the balance and really good at the aerobics (must be all of the running I'm doing) and surprisingly good at the yoga. I have to say, I'm way too hyper for yoga to hold my attention for long, but it does feel good to stretch my sore legs after running. And I get a good laugh at myself when I do the hula hoops! Last night, I unlocked boxing and I think it's my favorite so far!

I've been discovering new weight loss blogs, too! Adding the links to the left side of the page so I can have easy access. It's great motivation for me to pop over and spend some time on one of these sites when I'm feeling a little weak in the motivation area! These folks are a real inspiration to me.

I am not good at this blogging thing...

I keep thinking I'm going to do better at keeping up with this...


I was terrified of this week's weigh in because I drank like a college student this week, ate out countless times...I have beeen running, but last week, I only ran twice due to the weather and my knee hurting. So, fearfully, I climbed on the scale and was DOWN 1.4 pounds! I could hardly believe it. Deep inside, I think it was the clothes I was wearing. It was a really warm day and my clothes probably weighed half as much as normal. But, I just need to remember that at the next weigh in if things don't seem to go my way.


Running - up to 2.8 miles! WITH the hurt knee! Sooooo, sooooo proud of myself on that front. I expect I'll hit three miles within the next week (just in time for the 5k the first week of May) and I might burst into tears when I do!


Start 227.8
Current 208.6

Total 19.2

Long Time, No Write

It's been quite a while since I last wrote and I'm not sure why it's been so long. First, I got really sick and missed a few days of work...I had jury duty...then, work was really busy. I guess that's my excuse. Honestly, I just haven't had much to say.


I went almost two weeks without running, but surprised myself when I started back by running further and longer than I ever have! 31 minutes and around 2.25 miles. I was feeling pretty smug and full of myself until I went running with folks from work. We went on the cross country trails here at the college (whose stupid idea was that? Uh, mine, I think...) The hills just about kicked my ass. Seriously. I had to stop after around 15 minutes, walk around 45 seconds, and then start back. It was so hard, I thought I was going to die! Haha. So, not my best running day (right on the heels of my BEST running day). Oh, well...I'm a work in progress, I suppose.


Weight-wise, I'm doing fine. I passed my first milestone (15 pounds) and as a reward, went online and bought wii fit! Hasn't arrived yet, but I can't wait! I missed last week's weigh in because I was out sick, but weighed at home and was down around 2 pounds. Today, I was down a little more, so I'm feeling pretty good about things!

Start 227.8
Current 210

Total 17.8

Every Decision has a Consequence

That is the statement that was going through my head this morning in the shower. This was not a good weightwatchers week. In fact, it's the first week that I gained any weight. True, it was only .2 pounds. True, I knew it wasn't going to be a good one. I got lazy with tracking, we ate out way too much, I drank a lot on Saturday night.

I did well with exercise, but I guess not enough to compensate for the excess calorie intake. So, when all is said and done, I made some bad decisions and those bad decisions have consequences. I was pretty bummed yesterday about it, but today, I woke up, had the "consequences" thought, and decided to really try to refocus this week. I even wrote that down on a paper, which I taped to the cup holder on my desk. I don't want to slip back. I find it interesting that every time I've done weight watchers, I start to slide the week that people start noticing that I've lost weight. I should try to figure that one out...hmmm.

"every decision has a consequence."

Start 227.8
Current 213.4
Total 14.4

Weigh In and Running

I can't believe I didn't do an entry on Saturday, when I went out and ran for 20 minutes without stopping! I know, to runners...that doesn't sound like much. And I'm slow as hell...I only ran 1.36 miles in that span of time. But, I did it. I did it. I almost burst into tears afterwards, I was so proud of myself. Tonight, I try for 22.

I fell .2 pounds short of being able to go out and buy my wii fit, darn it. Next week, I guess. I still had a pretty good week and was really doubting myself as I stood on the scale. I'm pretty proud of the fact that I have lost every single week. Sometimes not much, but a little bit every week.

Another first this week...I've had several people tell me they can tell I've lost weight. I've been waiting for that! :)

Start 227.8
Current 213.2

Total 14.6

Weigh In

Down another 2.4! Woo hoo.

Start 227.8
Current 215

Total 12.8

Week 5 c25k

I'm really surprised that I haven't written more about the c25k program. I thought that was going to dominate my writing on here and it really hasn't turned out that way. Last night was the first night of week 5, which really in my mind is the beginning of the real running. I've been hesitant to call what I do "running" because it really seems more like walking with a little jogging thrown in. But, this week, the time spent running really ramps up. It's amazing to me how, at the beginning of every week I think I couldn't possibly do the amount that the program calls for, but by the time I get out there and do it, I almost always surprise myself.

Last night, it was run five minutes, walk three, run five, walk three, run five. And, oddly enough, it seemed easier than the week before. It really surprised me since it was a pretty big jump from last week and I thought last week was horrible. I almost repeated week 4, it had been so hard. But, at the last minute, I decided to give it a shot, knowing I could back up and start week 4 again if I needed to. The next run moves up to 8 minute running increments, then by the end of the week, it's twenty! And...it's weird to hear myself say it, but I think I can do it.

I wish there was a way to bottle this enthusiasm. I've been here before and I'm not really confident in my ability to stick with anything. The weigh in is at lunch time today. Wish me luck.

I wonder...

So, this week is going to be an interesting one. I did well on the scale last week, so I guess I'm anticipating a less than exciting result this week. Especially when you add in the fact that we went to Melting Pot on Friday and I went out with the girls last night. I did as well as I could at both of those places, but I'd be fooling myself if I said I thought the numbers would be good.

I'm tired today and for the first time, I'm craving really bad food...candy...KFC...ice cream...french fries. I just don't trust myself around that stuff yet, but the cravings are awful. I've tried to distract myself, but I'm not doing so well with that today.

Maybe writing this will help. So, at 10.4 pounds, I haven't lost enough that anyone notices yet. I've noticed in small, subtle ways:
My brown boots are easier to zip up
My rings fit more loosely
My jeans, although I'm far from going down a size, are definitely looser and fit well right out of the dryer. By the end of the day, they're stretched out and feel too big.
I can button up my green jacket again, which hasn't happened for a while.
My knee doesn't hurt nearly as bad as it used to

I need to keep a running list like this so I can remind myself of how far I've come. Even if it doesn't seem that way to others.

Frustration and Relief

This week started out a little frustrating, as it was the first week that I couldn't make it through the run (week 4 of the c25k program). Each of the five minute runs, I had to stop around halfway in, walk for 30 seconds and resume. I was really frustrated with myself...mad that I let myself get that out of shape and embarrassed that I can't even run five minutes without stopping. That's just ridiculous. Rolling around in the back of my mind was the added frustration of not losing more weight in ww last week. I worked really hard - both with food and exercise and just hadn't seen the results.

Apparently, I was visibly upset, as I received an email late last night from a coworker who was running with me. It was a very encouraging email and I really appreciated it. I hope she knows (I tried to tell her, but I don't know how articulate I was) how much that kind of support and enthusiasm mean to me. This weight-loss, life-change, exercising-the-couch-potato endeavor can be a very lonely one and it's helpful to know your friends are there to support you.

So today was weigh in and I lost 2.4 pounds. As frustrated as I was yesterday, I am equally relieved today. I'm learning that I seem to be on a two week cycle - one good week then one mediocre week. Maybe if I retool my expectations, I won't get so frustrated on the off weeks.



Start 227.8
Current 217.4

Total 10.4

So Frustrating

I'm convinced that the more I exercise and the better I eat, the worse I do on the scale. How can that be? I worked so hard this week - especially exercising and lost a grand total of .6 points! POINT SIX! I really thought I was going to do much better this week. I suppose I should be happy that the trend is going in the right direction, but all I really want to do is cry.

For this week, I'm going to focus on trying to get in ALL of my points (which is actually hard, by the way). Hopefully, next week will be better.

Start 227.8
Current 219.8

Total 8.0

c25k Week Three

I started week 3 last night of the c25k and, although I know I'm just hitting the hard part, it's crazy how much I'm enjoying this. Ramping up to week 3 from week 2 proved to be much easier than I was expecting it to be (although the music on this podcast is not nearly as good as last week's).

I'm working hard to avoid shin splints as the amount of running increases because I really don't want pain or injury to sabotage my efforts this time. I'm only around five pounds away from buying my wii fit!

So close...

So, damn. I didn't get below 220 this week. I was down 3 pounds, which is great, but that keeps me at 200.4.

Argh.

I really thought I had made it. Damn The Biggest Loser - who has totally screwed with our expectations for weekly weight loss. I guess if I were exercising 6 hours a day, I'd lose 8-10 pounds in a week, too! Next week....I'm all over it.

Start 227.8
Current 220.4

Total 7.4

Aha Moment...

As I was huffing and wheezing my way through night three of the first c25k week last night, I had a realization...

I am immensely proud of myself and what I've accomplished so far.

I haven't lost a ton of weight (only 4.4 pounds at last weigh in), and I've only been doing the c25k program for one week, so it hasn't been long enough to pat myself on the back, but I'm motivated, I have been eating better, I feel TONS better just getting my fat ass off the couch...and, for now, that's enough for me.

I WILL get below 220 this week...

If I don't, I'll be really frustrated. I've been walking or running/walking every night. I've been meticulous about my points. Truth is, I'm kind of having fun with this. I hope my enthusiasm doesn't wane. I've been here before.

I think one of the things driving me, oddly enough, is Facebook. In the last few months I've reestablished friendships with many of my childhood and highschool friends online. It's the first time I've had to deal with..."oh, my god...I don't want to post pictures! My high school boyfriend, who still sees me as I was when I was 17, won't even recognize me!" None of us wants to be THAT GIRL. You know the one...the girl who gained the weight and nobody recognizes her at the reunion. I avoided my 20 year reunion - partly because of that, but also because I just wasn't than interested in reconnecting. Well, I'm at a different point in my life and I'm really enjoying catching up with folks. The inevitable...FB is great, but why don't we get together conversation is bound to happen and I don't want to look like this when it does. I met with two of my childhood friends last week and I was so self-conscious about the way I looked that I couldn't even enjoy my time with them as much as I should. That's just sad to me.

By the time it happens again, I want to be excited about seeing everyone. But more importantly, I don't want to feel bad about them seeing me.

Well...It could've been worse.

This week was a tough weight loss week. Nick's birthday (and associated birthday cake) added on to eating out three times made it a challenge. Overall, though, I think I did reasonably well under the pressure. I only lost .4 pounds, but at least it's going in the right direction! Haha.

Start 227.8
Current 223.4

Total 4.4

Down Four!

Yesterday was our first weigh in at WW at Work. Down four pounds! I'm really proud that the first week went so well and I feel motivated going into this week. Added bonus this week is that we're going skiing, so that's burning off some calories that I wouldn't normally burn on a Friday!

Start 227.8
Current 223.8

Total Lost 4

I think I'm drowning myself...

I hate when you first start to try to lose weight and your body isn't used to the huge water consumption. I've been drinking so much water the last few days, I feel like I'm going to float away...

On another note...it's only been two days (this is day three), but so far, all is well. Nick has even jumped on the bandwagon and is helping me track points. This is a good thing, because writing things down has always been an effort and an area that I tend to slack off. When I slack off, I tend not to do as well. Yesterday, I picked him up from school and the first words out of his mouth were, "let me see your tracker". He proceeded to analyze everything I ate over the course of the day! Hilarious. If it was anyone else, I think it would annoy me, but because it's him, I just thought it was cute. He did determine that I did a "good job, mom". So, that could account for why it's okay!

Two Steps Back, One Step Forward

Yeah, I know...It's supposed to be the other way around. I stopped the running effort for a couple of reasons that I won't bother detailing here, but the important thing is that this blog is going to turn into a different kind of diary.

The new year brought a renewed sense of determination...

today is day 1 of WW. I'm starting at 227.8 lbs., which is just totally ridiculous. When I watch The Biggest Loser and I see girls that weigh that much, I don't see myself looking like them. I guess I really do. So, it was an eye opener to see that number being written down on the sheet of paper. Ugh. I guess I have my work cut out for me.

Some things to motivate me if I need inspiration:
Mike's "oh, my God...she's huge!" reaction to the girls when they weigh in on TBL
Carl's Cameron Manheim comment
The fact I couldn't find a picture (or take a picture) of myself that I wanted to post on my FB page.
My extra chin that appears in every picture I see of myself
Nicholas

We're going to be starting a c25k program here at work, so that'll work it's way back into the writings.